Hate freeloaders who join in the New Year’s Eve countdown for the last 10 seconds. I’ve been doing this all year. Where were you back in May
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A gingerbread man sits inside a gingerbread house. Is the house made of flesh? Or is he made of house? He screams, for he does not know.
AT&T sent me a text apologizing for their service outage. I sent them a text thanking them for making it impossible for people to call me.
BREAKING NEWS: Due to the horrible conditions at Sochi, the Olympics have been moved to a much safer place.. Chernobyl.
To tell the difference between an African and an Indian elephant, you look at its ears, then lift one up and shout “WHERE ARE YOU FROM M8?”
Clarissa didn’t explain this at all
cop: do you know why your neighbors called us
me: *into megaphone* NO
Me: I saved $2000 remodeling the bathroom [flexes muscles].
Her: Did you add the hospital visit?
Me:
Baby rabbits🐰 look like wise old Kung Fu masters.
All I got for Christmas was a sweater, I would’ve preferred a moaner or a biter.
CHARLIE BROWN: happy holidays!
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wampwahwahwah
CHARLIE BROWN: it’s not a war on Christmas, it’s just respecting people who celebrate other holidays
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wahwahwampwah
CHARLIE BROWN: no, Jesus wasn’t white
Son: how will I know when I’m a grown-up?
Me: certain foods will make your stomach hurt.
Grandma: what’s oversharing?
Me: It’s when you talk about your hemorrhoid surgery on FaceBook.
My superpower is morphing my political views to align perfectly with whoever is driving my Uber.
Me: Eat your dinner.
6: But my belly hurts.
Me: Okay then you can go lay down but no treats or snacks later.
6: But I’ll feel better then.
Me: [fails Captcha test]
Captcha: haha goptcha
I haven’t watched or read any news in two days, and at this point I’m just wondering why people waste money on sex and drugs to feel high.
Today, my coworkers and I got reprimanded because a manager caught us aggressively twerking in absolute silence.
The Bachelor would be a much better show if there was one woman who was a secret saboteur actively trying to wreck The Bachelor’s life.
If you ever have doubts about whether people are stupid, ask a tattoo artist what they’ve had to refuse to do for a customer
“40 times.”
“What are you talking about?”
“That’s how much greater my sense of smell is than yours.”
“Okay, so what’s your point?”
“My point is, Dave, we really need to discuss your personal hygiene.”
If laughing is good for you because you use 15 muscles, think how healthy you’ll be if you’re breaking a chair on someone’s head every day.
[Mother’s Day text to my wife]
Don’t let the kids know I sent this but do you know where we keep the powdered sugar and band-aids?
Bird snatches worm: Haha beat you to it sleepy head!
*blam!*
And early riser Hunter Harry gets delicious fried pheasant for lunch.
Them: What’d you scrape your chin on?
Me: A chiseled jawline with a 5-o’clock shadow.
HAPPY EARTH DAY!
Suck it, Neptune.
Divorce math is ending the year 10lbs heavier but 180lbs lighter
Now that he’s back, Trump’s tweeting again which begs the question, does the Pres of the United States not have an international data plan?
I just ate my weight in baked potatoes so if anyone has been thinking about robbing my house, now is the time to do it. I’m not moving anytime soon.
FACT: if a cop says FREEZE and then you say “now everybody clap yo hands” he has to drop his gun and clap and then you can get away.
We’ve had far more storms since we started naming them. We’re giving them the attention they crave. Just call it needy wind.