Missing those days when “hemorrhoids” was just a challenging word to spell.
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How to stop Facebook Live and Marketplace notifications:
1) Open Facebook app
2) Go to Settings
3) Throw your phone into a river
ME: *does something stupid*
I hope no one saw me do thatALSO ME: *texting all my friends* Listen to what I just did
“There, there,” I say, resting her head on my shoulder
Surgeon: Sir, we’re going to need that back if we want any hope for reattachment!
If you hear a suggestive *zzzzip* in the middle of the night, mind your business. I’m just opening a bedside string cheese.
When my teacher used to say, use your inside voices I used to get confused, I always used my inside voices and they always got me in trouble.
Interviewer: how would you describe yourself?
Me: verbally, but I’ve also prepared a dance
[Arthur’s Court]
SIR LANCELOT: We shall be’est known as the Knights of the Square Table
SIR CUMFERENCE: I doth like it but heareth me out…
10:20
10:25
10:21
10:23
10:22– Parallel parking my time machine
man I hope machines don’t become sentient robots in my lifetime because my voicemail lady would straight up kick the shit outta me
Asking to see a psychics Wordle score before I pay them
Me: why aren’t you studying?
My kid: I didn’t see you coming.
They say women only use 10% of their anger
*deletes your contact information*
Siri: Are you sure you really want to do that? You’ve already deleted and re-added this guy 17 times.
Worst Betrayals in History:
– Judas turning on Jesus
– Brutus helping to murder Caesar
– Verizon guy going to work for Sprint
There’s something mentally wrong with people who ask other parents if their baby isn’t the cutest baby they’ve ever seen
My therapist thinks meeting women on twitter for sex is a bad idea. His wife disagrees.
In my village the coming of age test is this: your mother abandons you in a grocery store. If you maintain your humanity and survive on groceries you will be a great leader. If you let yourself be raised as a grocery you will become the grocery shaman and do great grocery magic.
Before I had kids I wasn’t a morning person but after parenting for years I can finally look at the beautiful sunrise every day and say, I’m still not
*Gwen Stefani as a girl selling $2 snacks in front of her house*
CUSTOMER: Do you have any $1 snacks?
GWEN: I ain’t no dollar snack girrrrrl!
i saw someone say on facebook once, very seriously, that irish dancing was invented as a form of resistance against the english so the irish could be hiding behind bushes and the english wouldn’t be able to see that they were dancing with their legs.
Listen, you should really give your mother a call. She’s concerned that “the haters” in her Zumba class are organizing and gaining power.
All I did from 1984-1990 was try to shoot the laughing dog in Duck Hunt
I don’t watch the news because anchors don’t shuffle papers anymore
Teachers are getting ridiculous with sending out homeschooling projects.
We have an English and History assignment due in two days and we don’t even have kids.
if I was ever in prison I’d quickly assert dominance by giving everyone a fabulous makeover
Please do it!
They should really replace, “I now pronounce you man and wife” with “FINISH HIM!!”
imagine marrying someone and then finding out they don’t want to name the dog after an italian cuisine and you have to take the children and Tiramisu and leave in the middle of the night
dude at the dispensary is shooting his shot w a girl by explaining the entirety of Naruto. Everybody pray for him rn
Everybody gangsta til they have diarrhea and a broken zipper