Jokes on you, I still have a stockpile of toilet paper from the Mayan Calendar Apocalypse.
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Life is what happens to you when your wifi stops.
Do we have a gender neutral pronoun yet?
Utility company website: Are you a bot?
Me: No, but if there are bots trying to pay my utility bills, mind your own business.
Date: Don’t tell anyone we met online. It’s embarrassing.
[Later]
Friend: Where’d you guys meet?
Me: Family reunion
Me: I think I’m suffering from auditory hallucinations.
Narrator: There was no narrator.
My 11yo just told me the assignment is “mandatoryish” so he doesn’t actually NEED to do it.
Movie idea: Family moves into haunted house; ghosts appear; family too busy staring at phones to notice; ghosts leave in disgust.
A fake ID that says you’re only 14 so you can get cheaper buffets
Told my son I went into labor on thanksgiving but he came on Black Friday and he asked me if I got a discount.
In a house with 1,000 bathrooms your kid will only be willing to use the one you’re in, there is nothing you can do to prevent this
Gym Employee: Thats not how you operate that machine, sir.
Me: *Hanging clothes all over treadmill* But this is how I use it at home.
Friend: Dow dropped 45 points yesterday.
Me: I don’t follow basketball.
*boss stops meeting*
Mike, is there something you’ld like to share with the whole group?
Me: Nooooo, that’s why I whispered it to Alan.
oh you like architecture? name three walls
Hi, I’m Suki. And I just turned the volume down because it was getting too cold in my car.
If a turkey got murdered, the chalk outline would look like a giant preschooler’s hand.
Can we get Downton Abbey-style series about the Hogwarts janitors and kitchen staff?
the joke is that people say “hold my beer” before doing dumb things but I grew up around people doing dumb things and I never saw one of them put their beer down first
How did you spend your dinner break, Jamie? Just drawing a reverse centaur so everyone can see how horrible they are
“Romeo and Juliet” serves as a potent reminder to make sure you’re on the same page with your partner re: fake death plan
If anyone thought the Weather Channel couldn’t possibly get any louder, please stop by my parent’s house right now
*Pays bills*
*Bank turns off debit card for suspicious activity*
[Michael Cera being repeatedly asked by a librarian to speak up]
Wife: How was work?
Me: Funny story. I emerged from a different cubicle in the men’s room to the one I thought I’d gone into
W: I despise you
4pm
Me: How was school today?
Kid: …6pm
Me: Do anything fun today?
Kid: …Bedtime
Me: Goodnight!
Kid: Guess what happened at school?
Saying “unwanted houseguests” is redundant. I just call them houseguests.
Me at 20: I better stretch before I do a work out so I don’t strain my hammys!
Me at 40: I better stretch before I go to sleep so I don’t strain my neck.
A pub landlord walks into a stable. A horse says “what’s with the big fat tum-tum?” followed by “not nice, is it?”
I was raised by wolves
I was then lowered by bearsThey really should only have one species of animal operating these cranes