Maybe Jesus went black, and that’s why he isn’t coming back.
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Doctor: Did you take those pills I gave you last month?
Me: The package said “Take on an empty stomach” so, not yet.
Getting my drone stuck in the tree isn’t the worst thing that happened to me today.
But it’s definitely up there.
[sees a guy with his foot caught in a bear trap]
Me: dude that thing’s for bears
Her: You have very beautiful hair.
Me: Oh, you flirt!
*Hands me her card*
Her: If you’re ever thinking about selling it, call me…
Hell hath no fury like a toddler that’s trying to sneak up on you but you don’t realize they’re trying to sneak up on you so you say hi which makes them go apeshit & then you have to act like you did not in fact see them but you both know the truth and oh god how is this my life
Hear me out..
A swear jar, but you take a piece of paper out and have to yell what’s written on it
I want to be the woman in the neighborhood rumored to be a witch that eats children.
the ghost that shares the upstairs bathroom with us would like a word
Hacker 1: She wrote her password recovery questions.
H2: So?
H1: “Fav Law of Thermodynamics?” There’s more than one?
H2: F this. Who’s next?
*puts on pickle costume*
*gets stuck in pickle costume*
*calls friend*
Could you please help me?
I’ve gotten my myself into a pickle.
There’s been a fire at London Zoo. Apparently two stick insects were having sex and it all got out of control.
Magic words that make my children disappear:
3) Bath time
2) Who did this?!
1) When I was your age…
Interviewer: How would you describe yourself?
Me: With adjectives.
When I’m behind a slow car I steer my car a little to the right so the people behind me can see it isn’t my fault.
therapist:
Ever considered using something other than comedy as a defense mechanism?me:
Like judgmental stares and mumbling?therapist:
No.me:
….Knives?therapist:
Forget I asked.
The lady in the spice commercial was haphazardly pouring her vanilla extract. Do you know how much vanilla extract costs, lady?
The average human walks 900 miles per year and drinks 22 gallons of coffee.
This means that the average human gets 41 miles per gallon.
I’m like Pooh bear. I just want to eat, hang with my homies, and go around pantsless
me: why does nobody like me
therapist: have you considered that you can be a little dramatic
me: [lifting my head to reveal mascara streaming down my face] how
“Owen, you must hide this baby, at all costs, from Anakin Skywalker.”
“Okay. Should we continue to call him Luke Skywalker?”
“Seems fine.”
They say you don’t get a second chance to make a first impression.
I say “then what is this memory eraser gun for?!”
I have a dream that my son will one day live in a nation where he will not be judged by the size of his boat but by the motion of his ocean.
By substituting your morning coffee with green tea, you can reduce up to 94% of what little joy you had left.
My daughter: I don’t need your help. Unless it’s like really difficult. Or costs more than twenty dollars.
My high school girlfriend got “uses her kids as her facebook profile picture” fat.
Punctuation Matters. Period.
Most couples have at least one odd bit of cutlery in their cutlery drawer that they presume belongs to their partner, which is why it’s fun to sneak odd bits of cutlery into your friends’ cutlery drawer when you visit.
Sorry I’m late, I was combing granola bar out of my daughter’s hair for 25 minutes
*gets laser eye surgery*
“Thanks doc, so how do I activate them?”
I told you, that’s not what—
*i squint at him real hard but he’s right*
Big shout-out to the guy in Costco buying a lifetime supply of what he thinks are the right size diapers.