Her: YOU’RE A PIECE OF SHIT!
Me: Well… at least I’m not all of the shit
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I need to go shopping for a new outfit. Anyone know who sells sizes OMFG and WTF happened?
God: let there be light!
vampires: wtf dude we were invincible til now
Daytime tornado warning: grab phone, radio, & flashlights, get to shelter immediately
Nighttime tornado warning: if I wake up in Oz, so be it
Oh ok learning the difference between doing one thing a day that scares you and one thing a day that scares your doctor
Just accidentally flashed my gay neighbor. He’s not gay anymore.
HAHAHAHAHA!
Just kidding. He totally threw up.
aladdin: i can show you the world
jasmine: no
aladdin: i can show you a cool bug
jasmine: ok
Sorry but if these walls could talk I’m pretty sure they’d talk about wall things and not whatever scandal you’re blowing out of proportion.
The neighbor kid talks a lot of shit for someone who isn’t allowed to leave the yard.
I like to fill my medicine cabinet with marbles before I invite people over.
funny thing about zombie movies — they never seem to go after the cameraman 🤷♀️
Life can be compared to a ‘Choose your own adventure’ book.
Sometimes there’s a happy ending; sometimes you get eaten by a bear.
romantic comedies are like “he didn’t realize he had feelings for his best friend until she took off her glasses”
Of course I have body issues, I can’t explode into a thousand crows.
I love watching my 3yo and 2yo fight because they throw kicks and nobody makes contact and they say shit like, “you’re boring!” and “I have socks!” as insults and it’s amazing.
Thinking about becoming a yak farmer, gonna run this by the HOA
Take my advice, I’m not using it.
The dude at the airport parking lot turned on the heated steering wheel in our car we’ve owned for 2+ years and I have no idea how to turn it off. I didn’t even know we had a heated steering wheel.
I hope this cauliflower salad I’m bringing to the BBQ gets me laid.
I have been calling a guy on our street John since he and his wife moved here about five years ago.
His name is Dave.
Him: You’re pretty saucy
Me: *wiping face quickly
But this spaghetti is soo good
I remember Daddy told me fairy tales can come true so any time an old lady offers me an apple or cookie I kill her and bury her in the woods
I’ve lost my boyfriend! He’s in one of these browser tabs, somewhere.
My parents were going to name me after the city I was conceived in but neither of them knew how to spell Albuquerque.
Champagne lovers are bubblyophiles
Neighbor’s newborn won’t stop crying. Typical Taurus.
king: the gods are angry with us
advisor: let’s throw a virgin into a volcano
king: how would that hel—
advisor: [throwing steΦen in] help what
I found the perfect sign for my ‘horse haters’ club
The ample amount of cheese on anything is more
If anyone on the street asks for directions – give directions to YOUR house. Then run home, put on music and wait for your new best friend!
Good news, managed to put the clock forward on the oven.
Bad news, think I’ve got a gas leak now.