*returns shopping cart*
“When I’m in Heaven I wonder if God will seat me to His right or His left?”
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CDC wants to be clear that only weddings should be canceled due to Covid-19, but if you’re already married then that’s still going on.
Me *with my dying breath*: Tell my wife I like like her
[blind date]
HER: i love classic rock
ME: (trying to impress) i’ve been to Stonehenge
My daughter’s school was closed for fog.
Back in my day, Godzilla could be destroying the city & the principal would be like “2-hour delay”
Once, I had a dream so bad I threw away the pillow.
Noah, surrounded by a million pieces & trying to make sense of his IKEA Arke pictogram instructions, feels the first drop of rain.
Shit.
[in court]
me: if i’m guilty of anything, your honor, it’s trying too hard
judge: trying to break in that car, yes i know
*doesn’t eat, sleep enough, drinks too much alcohol* WHY DO I FEEL LIKE SHIT
Just hear me out, a blood oath, but with melted cheese.
Having a cat is like having a teddy bear that is always investigating a murder.
I have about 5 different personalities and not one of them can find my car keys.
Hot hot hot 🥵
I WON’T TELL YOU AGAIN!
~ me to my kids for the 387th time today
Goldfish: did you remember to take out the garbage?
Elephant: [rolls eyes]
Goldfish: did you remember to take out the garbage?
Therapist: What if you didn’t constantly hammer away at yourself in your head?
Me: Lol I know right
Therapist: For real though
Me: Can you imagine haha
Therapist: No. I am making an actual suggestion
Me: Wait, that’s an option?
[being interviewed from a lily pad in a fetid bog] I mean, if you think about it who hasn’t lied to a witch at some point?
A million dollars to the person who invents a GPS that says “turn right at the Taco Bell” because what tf is 400ft?
It’s rude when people ask me what I did all day like growing my hair isn’t enough.
[girlfriend sleeping over for the first time]
HER: This is nice.
ME: You need to move to the couch. My dog sleeps on that side.
Him: Why do they call this five alarm chili anyway?
Her: You’ll find out tomorrow.
[next morning]
Him in the bathroom *screams*
Her yelling: That’s one!
Him *screams*
Her: That’s two!
Pretty sure I could never successfully get away with a crime. I shed as bad as the cats! 😹
(first day at law school)
Me: When do we learn about the law of gravity?
Prof: We don’t.
Me: This is BULLSHIT.
*flips table*
*table floats up to ceiling*
Directions: Allow food to sit and cool for five minutes before eating.
Me: No.
Me: [sees bath water is bright yellow] I thought we ran out of those colored bath tablets.
Son #2: [in bath] We did.
At a fried chicken place, looks delicious
[First Date]
No dessert for me, I couldn’t eat another bite.
[Second Date]
*slides whole cake down my gullet like a pelican*
Wish I had a neck like an owl so when a guy is spooning me right after sex I could turn my head all the way around and say that was awful
My phone just fell down a flight of stairs, but it’s ok, it was in my pocket.
Pee pressure > peer pressure
{slowly digs both of my feet into the wet sand}
{whispers} planet shoes