The marriage rate has been trending downward. Choreographed wedding dances may be the reason.
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A world war 2 bunker with fake air vent
My kids’ school sends home so much artwork I’ve had to buy 8 refrigerators since September.
If inmates can pen pal their way into marriage, then there’s still hope for most of you.
This classic never gets old . . .
Spiders were super disappointed when they finally saw the world wide web.
“Apparently she had slaved over her homemade stuffing. At some point during the meal, her brother-in-law announced, ‘I prefer Stove Top,’ and it was then, from what we understand, that the woman snapped.”
-11pm news, tomorrow night
Pulling my treadmill out of the closet after an 11 month vacation, I’m pretty sure I heard it say “not this again.“
[job interview]
“You wrote here your biggest weakness is not knowing what irony means.”
“Ironic isn’t it? Is it? I don’t know.”
date: I’m an archaeologist
me: my career is also in ruins
I’ve invented a new cologne that is just one part bug spray and three parts campfire
you should be allowed to list your landlord as a dependant
In my defense, I’m not sure why you kept the bags of quicksand next to the bags of regular sand.
I just overheard someone threaten that they were going to “put their foot down”. What kind of threat is that unless you’re Godzilla?
I remember when people had the common decency to not look at you while you’re staring at them.
When you stop being a vegan –
is it called losing your veganity ?
Days after my plane crashed, I find a phone. Thankfully, it has enough battery for me to go online & argue with strangers. I remain stranded
My daughter said she wants to run away. We talked. She knows she can walk. I wont chase her.
If you didn’t get called to a meeting with your 5-yr-old son’s principal because he was inviting girls to his “naked party,” you aren’t me.
gonna pet so many people’s dogs while they’re distracted looking at the eclipse
Wanna know what it’s like to have kids? Picture one of those automatic ball-pitching machines, but instead of balls, it’s questions. And it never shuts off.
The road to insanity is paved with failed login attempts.
DON’T TELL ME WHAT TO DO REESE’S
[blind date]
HER: I filled up on nuts
ME: I guess you bit off more than you… cashew
HER: Gesundheit
ME: I think I love you
So we can play bumper cars with an asteroid for funsies, but I do it once with a cop car and it’s a whole thing
Girlfriend: It’s 11:11, make a wish
Me (eyes roll): *stares out window*
Girlfriend: [gets text message] Crap, I have to go home
Me: Holy shit
in a senior moment, i forgot the word for bologna, so I said, “you know…ummm…hotdog pancakes!”
100% of divorces begin with marriage.
I covered my boyfriend’s laptop in melted cheese and now he’s really mad at me. I mean, what did he expect when he asked for Mac and cheese?