The “Beware of Cat” sign posted outside my house doesn’t seem to be having the desired affect.
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I’m sure a spider is never scrutinized for spending too much time on the web.
Normalize never cutting our kids’ food into “fun” shapes or crusts of their bread so no parent is expected to fulfill those ludicrous demands ever again
I just found my first full length gray hair. If anyone needs me, I’ll be at the senior center playing bingo.
I’m sorry you think my tweets are shitty. You probably shouldn’t have inspired them.
Cats must think we’re so weird for constantly harvesting their poop.
My son called out my daughter for not knowing which teams were playing in the Super Bowl and said that she’s only showing up for the food. My daughter stared him down and said, “I honestly don’t see the problem here” and slow blinked at him.
Anyway, she’s my new life coach.
instead of texting “on my way” im a just send this
[ancient greece]
teacher: what have you all chosen for your thesis
hippocrates: I’m laying the ground work for centuries of modern medicine
socrates: I am examining what it means to be
ptolemy: uh you guys ever uh notice how those stars look like a bear
Out of the blue, HR forced us all to review our workplace sexual harassment training.
The office holiday party is next week.
Coincidence?
INTERVIEWER: can you explain this gap in your resume
ME: no but i can explain this gap in my teeth. i can shoot water out of it. *takes a sip of his coffee* vanna thee?
My wife and I asked my son who he loves most. He pointed all around. I said he had to choose, then he told us he was pointing at the wifi.
Frankenstein was 90% about someone making up a guy and then getting mad at him
Can’t believe people still say “pot” it’s not the 70s anymore we call it “saucepan” now
I keep rearranging my home office just to throw off everyone on the work video calls.
[couples board game night]
“relax brent, it’s only monop-”
*fake smile* why don’t you tell everyone how you brush your teeth with hot water”
ME: why is there a question mark on this periodic table?
PHYSICIST: that’s the element of surprise
[having sex]
HER: talk dirty to me
ME: I’ve been wearing the same underwear for weeks
HER: no, I mean-
ME: I drink my own bath water
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years
Me: punching a goose in its mouth
Interviewer: you know actually we’ve already filled the position
Me: *clenches fist* was it a goose
If Kevin Spacey doesn’t sign his name like this
Kevin E
Then he’s pretty damn stupid…
Thug: You got the stuff?
Me:*opens briefcase revealing 7 ducklings*
T: The deal was 8
M: I’m just the delivery guy *my hat quacks softly*
I’ve eaten so much Easter candy..that at this point I’m positive i’m ovulating Reese’s eggs.
Mom: Why do you have a lighter? Do you smoke?!?
Me: It’s for arson, I swear!
Mom: It’d better be!
78 just had a pacemaker implanted & now he reckons he’s a cyborg. I told him he needs more replacements to qualify…
I’m no longer his favourite kid.
I overheard a dad at Starbucks tell a kid not to tell Mom he got a cake pop for breakfast, so I guess I’m part of their web of lies now too.
[3am]
me: *sleeping*
brain: omg you’re late for work!
me: oh shit *jumps out of bed*
brain: lmao you’re so gullible
(First date)
Just act like he’s not here.
Date: …
Husband: …
I tell people I’m narcoleptic so if I fall asleep when they’re talking to me I don’t seem rude.
My daughter and I decided to play Monopoly, and we’ve been arguing about the rules for the last hour.
You can take all the daylight you saved & stick it where the sun don’t shine.