Just seen a really sad documentary on the telly about a guy who works 60 hours a week crushing drink cans. It was soda pressing.
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Her ankles were strong & sturdy, keeping her feet attached to her legs at all times. She had the eyebrows of a livid mechanic.
I did laundry for 7 miles according to my Fitbit that I accidentally washed and dried.
I only had one piece of pizza at dinner tonight. One huge round piece.
Me: *doesn’t laugh at friend’s story*
Friend: I guess you had to be there.
Me: *builds time machine, goes there* Nope, still not funny.
I knew my 5yo was growing up too fast when he tried to take his shoes off and said “I don’t like bending down anymore”
THERAPIST: What do you wish for?
WIFE: That we become closer again & [smiles at me] focus on the important things
ME: For the dog to talk
Flight attendant: Can I get you something to drink?
Me: What kind of gravy do you have?
I’d like to pay my .30 library fine with two credit cards please.
Repair guy: your AC unit is 26 years old which makes it hard to stay cool
Me: well I’m 42 and I’m still cool
Repair guy:
Me: *winks*
If I didn’t have kids, I’d be questioning why I found acorns under a fake Christmas tree.
Enough with the movies already. We get it. You’re an actor.
Did you know there’s a type of spider that eats snails and uses the shell as armor to attack birds? That’s not true. I’m sorry.
Saint West, the patron of selfies
HER: I work for the Red Cross.
ME: *leaning in* That’s a huge plus.
INTERVIEWER: So, do you have any questions for me?
ME: What’s the Wi-Fi password?
I: About the job
M: What is the company Wi-fi password?
I’ve done all the cleaning and ironing but I’ve forgot why I broke into this house in the first place.
Interviewer: give me an example of when you’ve been a team player
Me: once my friend wanted to sleep with this girl but she was married
Interviewer: and you?
Me: distracted her husband with an interview
my plan for the new year: getting fit as a fiddle, complete with strings, bridge, tailpiece, chin rest, and f-hole.
I hate it when I have to go pee at someone else’s house but there’s no toilet paper, so I’m forced to use the hand towel hanging so festively above the sink.
My husband was yelling my name and I was yelling back “I’m in the basement” and my daughter started yelling “Can everyone stop yelling?” and my son then yelled “Why is everyone yelling?” and this is how we bond as a family.
My kids are celebrating National Siblings Day just like I knew they would: screaming & fighting.
do I regret it, Carol? Hell, I don’t even remember gretting it the first time!
Before marriage: Kisses
After marriage: Hisses
Websites really should skip the log in screen and just go straight to the reset password screen.
Whoever figured out that you can make cake in a mug in under a minute was probably really going through some shit.
aliens are gonna be super confused when they show up threatening to overthrow our leaders and we’re all stoked and offer to help.
I’ve decided I’m not going to let my teen’s attitude get to me today, and so far I’m doing really well with it.
She’s not awake yet.
What young people don’t realize is that in 2014 everything was Nutella. Breakfast was Nutella, snacks were Nutella, dessert was Nutella. I couldn’t go to class because my bike was Nutella. My buddy’s dad was Nutella.
Me (remembering that girls like cute things): do you like peppa pig?
Date:
Me (remembering girls like tough guys): I killed her