A salesman knocked on my door today.
“Who currently provides your Internet?” he asked.
I said, “My next door neighbour.”
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Shy girl has a crush on shy boy.Shy boy has a crush on shy girl.Neither of them say anything.They both do a lot of homework.#VeryRealisticYA
Yeah, sex is awesome. But have you ever put clothes on straight out of the dryer?
10:20
10:25
10:21
10:23
10:22– Parallel parking my time machine
Steps to getting into her pants:
1) Wait for her to fall asleep
2) Take her pants off
3) Put them on yourself
4) Find a top that matches
Why is it cute when a baby falls asleep clutching a bottle and when I do it it’s “worrisome”?
i came on this app to make friends and chew bubblegum… and im all out of gum
Me: I’d like to make an appointment for my son.
Doctor’s office: Please hold.
Me: Okay.
Doctor’s office: What is child’s date of birth?
Me: Please hold.
Pollen count so high, junkies are trying to uncook their meth back to Sudafed.
My 2yo was swinging a wooden spoon around and it hit me in the head so I told him “please be gentle with that.” He paused for a minute then started petting the spoon like it was a cat.
Butterflies? I want a man who gives me Mothra
[narrating a commercial for therapy]
“For a 100 bucks an hour we’ll blame your mother.”
*wakes up before alarm goes off*
please be 5am please be 5am
*checks time*
2:34pm, februrary 25, 2054. NOOOOOOOOO
Sucks how every girl I’m interested in is either taken or has good taste in men.
No one:
My dog on our 6 am walk: this is my emotional support dirty sock
*flashes smile*
*smile calls police*
[In car, headed to store]
7: What’s wrong, Mommy?
Me: *scratching* When I got my hair cut earlier, some little pieces fell down my back, in my shirt, and they’re itching me now.
[20 minutes later, in crowded Target]
Me: *scratches*
7: MOMMY, IS YOUR BACK HAIR ITCHING AGAIN?
If you want to know what cereal you don’t have ask one of the kids what they want for breakfast.
Someone in my daughter’s class gave her a whoopee cushion for Valentine’s Day and now the bar is set. She may never love a gift as much as this one, guys. 🤪
*me looking at a police lineup*
Number 3 is cute. OMG Is he single? Give him my number! What? Oh. Right. Five. Number 5 killed my grandpa.
*Doorbell rings*
*it’s a regular kid*
“Trick or treat!”
…and what are you supposed to be?
*removes face, revealing an unending void*
HUMAN
Whenever my dachshund acts up I show him a pack of hotdogs in my fridge and he falls right back into line
oh yeah, well can AI do this?
*eats 7 deviled eggs at the cookout*
“Can you get my water, Mom?”
— My child, still in possession of the perfectly healthy legs I spent 9 months growing for him.
I should have grown him some Go Go Gadget arms.
Why do I hear my husband encouraging our youngest to be a goalie? Is my anxiety not quite crippling enough for him?
FACT : Half of all missing person reports involve people trying to find their way out of IKEA.
A haunted house would be pretty scary if it was filled with light switches that accidentally turned on the garbage disposal.
When you say, “save me some nachos” and I say, “okay” think Rose at the end of Titanic saying “I’ll never let go”..as she lets go.
COP: Is this man bothering you, Sir?
ME: that’s my wife
My kids: *arguing* MOM WHO IS YOUR FAVORITE KID
Me: Connor
Kids: The boy next door?
Me: Yep
Kids: We meant out of us
Me: Still Connor
If you’re worried about the birth rate then venmo me $400,000 and I will have a child