I’m done travelling by scooter, I moped.
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Well I guess it’s time to learn my kids’ names.
The worst thing about being struck by lightning is knowing you deserved it
my therapist challenged me to get out of my comfort zone so i stopped watching tv in the living room and switched to the basement
Me, at 15: I’m going to change the world!
Me, at 25: I’m going to change the workforce!
Me, at 35: I’m going to change out of my pajamas tomorrow.
Therapist: the best revenge is to heal and move on
Me:
Therapist:
Me: are you sure, that doesn’t sound right?
You’re following someone who just picked up a candle and tried to drink it
TRAINER: you know what they say
ME: no pain! lo mein!
TRAINER: it’s “no gain”
ME: (eating Chinese food) i like this better
Comic 🥺👉👈💗❤️🔥
“Can we stop for a second? I forgot everyone’s names again.” – me, if I was a character on Game of Thrones
Art: Stop it.
Life: *mockingly* Stopp iiit.
I’ve been up for 20 hours. There’s no way I could perform surgery right now. Mainly, because I have no medical training.
*Calling from the bakery
Me: “Honey, can I get you something: a muffin, eclair, a cupcake?”
Her: “Surprise me!”
Me: “Last summer I got drunk, and had sex with your mother”
I was cleaning one of my finger guns and accidentally blew a hole through my air guitar.
My marriage counselor suggested that I forget about the past. So I forgot that I got married and now I’m happy.
That guy is a genius.
“I was exposed to COVID and have to quarantine” is now my go to excuse to get out of literally everything.
i love when dog owners are like “our dog is very food-motivated!” like yeah. it’s a dog
My wife wants to go on a romantic date for Valentine’s Day so I guess I’ll stay home with the kids.
I am a:
⚪️ man
⚪️ woman
🔘 gooseLooking for:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 bread
Me: Now watch this amazing parallel parking job…
Wife: *Eyes roll
Me: You can’t see it with your eyes up there
The most unrealistic thing about The Walking Dead is that a couple who had a kid after 2000 would’ve named it Carl.
Just heard that distinct “baby fell out of the crib and into a pizza that was on the floor” sound
Pilot: There’s a loose…
Engineer: Tape.
P: And some rivets hav…
E: Tape.
P: Also signs of metal fatigu…
E: Tape.
P: And a panel is missi…
E: Tape.
P: Hydraulic failu…
E: Tape.
P: Th…
E: Tape.
P:
E: Tape.
Salesperson: What a cute service dog! How does he help you?
Me: Pete, purse!
*Pete pees on Louis Vuitton
Me: I’ll take it for 50% off
4 pm:
5 pm:
6 pm:
7 pm:
8 pm:
9 pm:
9:59 pm:12 year old: I need some glitter, crayons and posterboard for school tomorrow
the first two drinks don’t count if you have social anxiety they just turn you into a normal person
JIM MORRISON: people are strange, when you’re a stranger
PRODUCER: nice
JIM MORRISON: people are docks, when you’re a doctor
PRODUCER: what
JIM MORRISON: *wiggling fingers* people are ticks, when you’re a tickler
PRODUCER (lips on mic): uh, I think we’re good Jim
I’m just a boy, standing in front of a printer wondering if he forgot to press something.
Zombie: Braaaains
Me: What’s the magic word?
Zombie:
Me:
Zombie:
Me:
Zombie (embarrassed): ᴾˡᵉᵉᵉᵉᵃˢˢˢᵉ
This Halloween I’m going as a pissy woman who eats all the good candy and doesn’t answer the door after 8pm.