please stop saying things like “ur so hot” and “your jokes have both emotional depth and the refreshing originality of a self aware intellectual” and start saying things like “here is ten thousand dollars”
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I accidentally typed ‘thee’ and now I’m listening to lute music and my neighbour Jeff just succumbed to the Plague.
Are we not gonna talk about how Edward Scissorhands’ mom had sex with a cutlery drawer?
[washing my hands in the blood of my enemies] *counting to 20 in my head*
Not messing around
[my wife wants an expensive audi]
ME: instead of buying 1 car for $60k we could buy 2 cars for $30k each
HER: *rolls eyes* oh sure, then why not 3 cars for $20k each?
ME: great point, could even do 4 cars for $15k each
[an hour later]
ME: how about 60,000 cars for $1 each
Trump is the perfect candidate for American guys who secretly believe they could come out of the stands and score a touchdown
skippin the intro of a game and then realizin you have no idea what the objectives are just walking round aimlessly hoping something pops up
Tonight our 4 year old ate his dinner in a record time of 4 hours 27 minutes
Wife: want to have sex?
Me: oh hell yeah.
Toddler: *eye’s snapping open from a dead sleep* not on my watch.
LOAN OFFICER: Sign here…
ME: *signs*
LO: And, here.
ME: *signs*
LO: Down payment, please.
ME: Here you go.
LO: You want road hazard insurance?
ME: Yes, please.
LO: Sign here.
ME: *signs* Is that it?
LO: Yes, the barista will call your name when the order’s ready.
I never thought I’d be the kind of woman to wear fur. Then I got 16 cats.
ME: what is an IV for
ROMAN: yes
i think only bears should have the right to bear arms
Yes I run a porn site. It was an accident.
5-year-old: What happens if the baby pees?
Pregnant wife: She won’t. She waits till she’s born
5: Right. Just like no one pees in the pool
If you can see the bread you are not using butter correctly.
If I hold my phone upside down it looks like you have replied to my text and I’m ignoring you.
My husband pissed me off so I made him his favorite chocolate chip cookies and used black beans instead of chocolate
Deleted old tweets just in case i date a very famous woman with rabid fans
At this point I’m waiting for my student loans to ask me if I want to add 10%, 15% or 20% gratuity to my bill.
don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry
– me taking a joke
I’m just thankful that the presidential election doesn’t have a swimsuit portion.
Meanwhile, at School:
Teacher- “How much is a gram?”
Laure- “Depends on what you want”
Teacher- “Out, just get out”
#YouOwnedHimDude
Laughter is like a face orgasm. If he can give me that, he earned an audition for giving me an actual orgasm.
I haven’t been this confused about what’s going on since The Cranberries yodeled that one song about zombies.
A wet beach towel will dry in about 30 minutes in the sun or 36 weeks in a hotel room.
there are only two portion sizes for mashed potatoes: nowhere near enough (posh restaurants) or far, far too much (literally everyone else)
The spider sees a delicious cave opening and works quickly, spinning an intricate, elegant web. She steps back, smiling at her work, tears in all of her eyes. It is brilliant.
Me: *closes my mouth after the longest and best yawn ever*
Spider: noooooooooo
Historians: so we’re gonna name this war the 80 years war
Me: so that means it lasted 80 years right
Historians: you FOOL. you utter buffoon. You ignorant being
REP: we are pleased to provide u with the highest level of customer service!
ME: oh sorry, got the wrong number. was tryin to call comcast