I have a friend who’s band is playing this weekend. He said the doors open at 7 but I’m pretty sure Jim Morrison is dead.
You Might Also Like
Me to anyone else: “it’s in that cabinet”
Me to my husband:
“it’s in the upper cabinet next to the fridge on the left at eye level. It’s bright green. It’s right there. IT’S RIGHT THERE”
OBI WAN KENOBI: These are not the droids you’re looking for
GUARD: [licks lips] I’m not looking for droids handsome
Netflix: Are you still watching?
me: yes
Netflix: is that a book in your hands?
me: *gulp* no
Nobody in this grocery store thinks I’m a good bowler. Also, clean up in aisle four.
Me: I’ve always said I’d never get married again but there is one man that has changed my mind and that’s…
Him: Wow. *gets on one knee*
Me: …Mr. Bean
*At a clothing store*
Worker: Do you need any help sir?
Me: *Mixes “No, I’m good” & “No, I’m just looking”*Me:”No, I’m just good looking”
ATTORNEY: my client would like to confess
ME: i sell human organs on the black market
JUDGE [who needs a kidney transplant]: tell me more
*phone rings
15: I hope it’s him!
*phone rings
25: hope it’s about the job
*phone rings
35: (handing phone to stranger) i died. tell them
A kiss so passionate you have first degree burns from the melted cheese on the pizza.
Home is where the heart is, and hopefully it’s where all of the other vital organs reside too.
A 23-yr-old woman in India fought off an adult tiger with a stick
My cat stole my tuna sandwich right out of my hand
Kale: i strengthen the immune system
Avocado: i’m a healthy fat
Quinoa: i provide fiber & protein
Deep Fried Twinkie: i cause diabetes
Me: six twinkies please
One way to tell if a man is good in bed is to watch him dance. Another good way is to have sex with him.
Cop: *Hands me ticket
“I’ll see you in court.”Me: *Seductively winks
“Sure is a lot of trouble just to see me again.”Cop: …
DAD i can’t stay with your wife in same home.. she’s hiding all my snacks.
The only way I’d see Taken 3 is if Liam Neeson gets kidnapped and his daughter has to rescue him
Him: When I break something, I fix it… you should try this sometime.
Me: Uhhh I take the kids to therapy thank you very much.
If at first you don’t like the beard on your face, don’t worry; it will eventually grow on you.
Bake a book inside a cake and help a convict escape into his or her imagination.
Either I stood up too quickly or this quart of vodka was deliciouser than I thought.
Putting on mascara without opening my mouth is on my bucket list
Barnabas had a lazy eye.
The other, however, was a real go-getter.
when the news anchor says “if you know anything about the crime please contact police”
dont call the police and re-tell the news story
Sometimes I think I’d do great during a zombie apocalypse. Then I remember that week I went without a microwave and how much I cried.
There are two ice cream trucks on my street right now.
Okay, Feds.
ac guy: when your air filter is dirty you
me: flip it around.
ac guy: no.
I don’t trust scrapbookers because I feel it’s a slippery slope to ransom letters
Remember, you can become haunted by a ghost whenever you want. You’re an adult.
The fact that my balcony isn’t facing the street makes it nice and quiet but also makes my speeches to the people rather ineffective
Lmao