Life is not a fairy tale. If you lose your shoe at midnight, you’re drunk.
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*goes to wedding*
*gives the couple 2 coupons for a free Big Mac as their wedding gift*
*walks away feeling really good about this decision*
How come I have to do all this work and you do nothing all day?
– my 8yo while doing one chore
Screech up to a yard sale. Ask if they have any haunted amulets. Yell at the dog in your backseat, “I’m GETTING the spell reversed, Greg!”
For me, it’s not a superfood unless it has a tragic backstory.
I like my women like I like my bamboo: graceful, strong, and constantly in threat of being eaten by pandas.
Never trust a vegetarian who eats animal crackers
Now I lay me down to sleep
I pray the Lord my soul to keep
And if I die before I wake
Good
me: I think I left my phone charger on the plane
flight attendant: are you getting into the life boat or not
You learn a lot about someone when you marry them. For example , I learned I should have married someone else.
Flight attendant: Is there a doctor on this flight?
Dad: *nudging me* that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Dad
Dad: Not asking for a YouTuber to help, are they?
Me: Dad, there’s a medical emergency happening right now
Dad: Go and see if “what up guys” helps
*Flings your voodoo doll out into the snow*
You cold, bro?
Boss: This is my wife Sue and my kids…
Me: Whoa! Look at the MELON on this little guy. Man…hope he was a c-section Hahaha!
Boss:
Me:
If you’re looking for some alone time away from your family, start telling them a story about a great deal you got on something you bought using coupons.
If you start to miss your family and want them to come back, get yourself a snack, open a book, or make a phone call.
judge: your click bait articles have been deemed fraudulent. How do you plead?
me: I’m innocent and you won’t believe why! click here
Voting was a lot more fun in the days when you got 4 snapshots for a dollar in the booth.
i love that kanye gets into very specific beefs with ppl i have to google but he’s nice enough to say both their first & last name
Me: Ma’am your pet is loud.
Lady: That’s my baby.
Me: Ma’am your pet baby is loud
just saw Gravity. excuse me while I go hug the earth.
Wife: What did I ask you to do?
Me: Love you forever?
W:
M: Kill a man to defend you honor?
W: EMPTY THE DISHWASER
I was getting there.
Marathon Winner: Finishes a 26-mile marathon in under 2 hours.
Me: Walks up stairs using all fours.
My wife is still mad about the time I seductively went under the covers…slid off the end of the bed…and then army crawled out of the bedroom.
i hate the assumption that people who get up early are doing it to be productive. i’m up at 6:30 am to watch movies
Cannot believe that even in this day and age people discriminate against each other for petty things like race and religion. All people are deserving of love and respect if they’re good looking. Period.
Obi-Wan: Ani
Anakin: Ani is a girl name! What can’t you call me something cool, like ‘Kin’?!
Obi-Wan: Use the Force Ki—
A: “ANI” IS FINE
Found a YouTube channel that’s just French women smoking cigarettes so this is my last tweet.
this isn’t threatening at all
*feeding 2 stray dogs spaghetti*
WTF KISS ALREADY
Given the American diet, don’t you think we’d have greater success locating missing children if we put their faces on liters of soda?
Dog: I will do anything for you
Human: drop the ball
Dog: nope
“First off I want to wish my opponent the best of luck and oh god. OH GOD NO” – presidential candidate accidentally using their 3rd wish