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I found a Squirtle in my pants & I’m not even playing Pokémon Go!
A cat walks into a bar. The bartender laughs and says, “Let me guess, you want a Moscow mew? Or a vodcat martini? Maybe a purry furry daiquiri?”
The cat scowls. “I’ve been working all day, and now I need a real drink, not a silly pun. Shut up and give me a whisker sour.”
Guantanamo Bae
Bigfoot’s whole body is big. he should be called Bigbody
Update on Dad Watching Discovery Channel: he just muttered “you son of a bitch” to a Hippo who chased off the lesser-dominate Hippo he liked
love the HBO account having a prewritten response to “god damn no one can see shit on your show it’s too dark” comments
What’s for dinner?
-A question asked by children who have no intention of eating the answer.
My landlord told me he needed to talk to me about how high my heating bill is. I was like, come on over, my door’s always open.
[Bear attack]
Me: Thank god bears can’t climb trees, I should be safe here.
Bear: *shoots a grappling hook* Think again pal!
I lied on my resume yesterday. I told them I wanted a job
(getting into a hot tub full of people) i guess we’re making some people soup huh gang
Buy all the cute stuffed animals you want but your toddler is going to sleep with a spatula instead
Friends don’t let friends drive drunk but I don’t want them staying at my house
And that’s why Uber was created
Did you file your cat correctly today?..📂🐈📂😅
Hostess:There’s a 45 min wait
Me:Do you know who I am? I have THOUSANDS of followers!
H:Let me ask my manager
*2 min later
H:It’ll be 43 min
Cauliflower pretzels? Do you know what either of those words mean?
I taught my 7yo chess and she’s created a lengthy backstory about how this once-peaceful community came to odds and a lengthy battle ensued. I am now of the mind that all chess should have a plot.
Me: *getting struck by lightning*
Kid: Mommy, can I have a snack?
[at aquarium]
That’s a lot of octopussys to have in a tank.
“Octopi”
Oh sorry…that’s a lot of octopussys to occupy a tank.
TV ANNOUNCER: Up next, the Masked Singer.
CDC: Good.
‘we love the sea because it’s where we come from we fear it because we left so long ago’, I say suddenly, startling myself, and the waitress
Received some very disappointing news today
If both kids are screaming….
….both kids are alive.
It’s science
art teacher: is that a bird or a plane
young clark kent: *crumples self portrait*
In a parallel universe, Two bars walk into a man.
*Lips to mike
Mike: Do I know you?
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a dietician.
Me: Fascinating. There are so many ways to die, right?
My 4 year-old pronounces Cookie Monster as Coke-y Monster and if a 4 year-old could figure it out, then it’s about time we stage an intervention for that furry blue drug addict.
DOCTOR: Does it hurt when I do this?
*takes you out several times then acts distant*
Every kiss begins with ‘K’ I whisper quietly to myself as I read his one letter response to my last 7 text messages.