When the going gets stupid, the stupid, stupid harder.
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Coffee: Because when you’re groggy and barely coherent, the first thing you should do is handle a scalding hot cup of liquid.
SURGEON (who is an octopus): scalpel
NURSE: [sweating trying to figure out what arm to hand it to] yup one second
“No, no. No! NO!” – guy who invented black ski masks after people started using them for robbing
“It’s Christmas Eve, not Christmas Steve.” -confused homophobe
It turns out the only way to get my kids to flush the toilet is for me to be showering when they use it.
How do I tell my doctor I only like him as a friend
[reclining with sliced cucumber on my eyes]
My passengers: “Aaaaaaaaaaah!”
GUY WHO INVENTED STEW:
I wish this plate of meat & vegetables was damp.
imagine your card gets declined at church and god dies
The second cup of coffee does for me what a can of spinach does for Popeye.
Receiving multiple letters of complaint from the deer in my area. Apparently the deer whistles I put on my car were the sexist kind. I had no idea.
Looking for a man who wants to wear matching Cheetos pants with me. No weirdos.
My love language is Latin. It’s dead.
Quarantine Day 23: Today the kids and I made shivs…fine, we sharpened pencil crayons for a craft. But by the end of it, I definitely felt like stabbing someone.
I love therapy sessions because I get to cry for an hour. It usually freaks out my patient, though
Actually, not all of the creatures from Jurassic Park were from the Jurassic period. Jeff Goldblum, for example. He’s from now.
I want a hallmark movie where the city girl goes home to save the family business, and realizes her hometown and her high school sweetheart still suck after all these years
Fitness bloggers are like, “Just fill your cabinets with healthy food.” You mean my spice museums?!
Me: Screams into the void
Void: screams back
Me: Screams into void again
Void:
Me:
Void: welp this is awkward, but I was actually screaming to the person behind you
*draws sword*
*erases sword because it sucks*
I always wanted to run a pharmacy and put “Seriously, TMI” on all the receipts.
Them: What did you make for dinner?
Me: Arroz con pollo
Them: What’s that?
Me: Chicken and rice
Them: Why didn’t you just say that?
Me: 🤦♀️
It’s all fun and games until a metal flask falls out of your car in the church parking lot.
If you’re looking for an experimental couple, we’re trying a new chicken recipe tonight, hit us up.
I’m pretty sure there isn’t a single Australian animal that wouldn’t look good in a top hat.
eating mac and cheese in 64 bites is called mine kraft
So, on July 4th, one of the hottest days of the year, we’re all going to sit outside of our air-conditioned homes and cook over a fire?
Ladies, if he:
– only wants to hang out when he’s drunk
– never brings you around his friends
– fingers on his head
– no legs or feet
– always trying to sell you pastaHe’s not your man. He’s the hamburger helper glove
One of the toughest things about being single is not having anyone around to nag you to buy new underwear.
Funny how our parents used to tell us not to talk to strangers online but now that’s the only way to make friends at school