Oh dear… I should get out of the way, he’s probably trying to catch a bad guy.
-me getting pulled over
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[Commercial for ulcer medication]
“Tell your doctor immediately if you notice that you have darkened stools ”
Daughter: Hey we have darkened stools in the kitchen. We should tell the doctor right away, right?
If I ever only have 3 months to live, I want my ex wife to be with me. That would be the longest 3 months of my life.
My husband doesn’t think our family will eat a 5 pound bag of cheese and I’ve never been so determined to prove him wrong.
[restaurant]
ME: this chicken fried steak is terrible
WAITER: that’s probably because it was fried by a chicken
Pack fruit in your lunch so it can decorate your desk until you take it home again.
Do you have anything the size of an eyepatch on the left & a cantaloupe on the right?
– Me, bra shopping
MOST RESTAURANTS:
Waiter: “Have you dined with us before?”
You: “No.”
Waiter: “Oh! Well, (*proceeds to describe a normal restaurant*)”
Quarantine Day 26
Puts pictures of mom all around the house and runs with scissors laughing maniacally
Here’s a little song I wrote about the birds in the bush outside my bedroom window it’s called “I’m Wide Awake and Angry at 4 AM” and a one and a two
“2:00! Are you ready for the movie?!?” my son asked. I was not, I told him, not even close. His mom had taught him to tell time. He had taught himself to set the alarm on his watch. But it would be up me to teach him the critical difference between AM and PM.
German chocolate cake is just regular cake that doesn’t talk about the 40’s
It’s a good thing this pandemic is almost over and we’ll be returning to the office soon because I’m almost out of Post-it Notes at home.
Only 99 problems?
Pfft. Amateur.
Answering spam calls just to brush up on my pig latin is way more entertaining than I expected.
My amazing grandma cooked me some meals and this is how she labeled this one. God bless her.
WIFE: You know, you’re my best friend! Am I your best friend?
ME: [subtly exchanges knowing glance with our dog] Of course you are, sweetie
[first day as news anchor]
Me [tryin not to laugh readin report about a man gettin kicked by a horse]: hes said to be in a stable condition
Lies I tell at work:
~ I’m sorry I said that
~ I didn’t mean to offend you
~ It won’t happen again
~ Of course I don’t think you’re an idiot
don’t talk to me until I’ve had my morning crab linguine
I’m just one bad financial decision away from a flip phone.
*twirls fork through hair*
So, is it is really murder if you stab them when they stand between you and your cake?
Man, those guys in the Cialis commercial sure are charmed by their wives’ approximations of human behavior
Why do parents train babies to peek with the game peekaboo but then spend the remaining childhood telling them not to peek?
As a mom, I’m super excited about the rock collection my daughter just told me she’s starting.
I went into my local bookstore and asked for a book on turtles. “Hardback?” The assistant asked.
“Yes” I replied, “with little heads”
Who says great literature is dead?
Mornin. * use accordingly
Not a lot of people know this but if you tell someone with chronic pain that they should “just try meditating” then they are legally allowed to poke you in the eye
Him: hey see you around
Me, a flat earther: *eyes narrow* yeah see you ahead
What I really need is a visit from the ghost of christmas don’t cut your own bangs.