If I ever die in my sleep it won’t be in my bed. It’ll be in a meeting.
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I went to a baby group yesterday where the babies had to ‘pick’ toy vegetables and the v enthusiastic group leader said ‘everyone grab an aubergine’ and I said ‘that’s how we got into this mess in the first place, amiright?’ and literally nobody laughed
There is a school auction tonight, but I don’t know if I’m ready to buy a whole school
girls are like kittens. they are cute and fun to snuggle but sometimes they get stuck in trees and I don’t know what to do.
It’s no coincidence that Monday and Murder both start with M.
Me: Hi, I’d like to make an appointment for a bath.
Petsmart employee: Sure, what’s your dog’s name?
Me: Dog?
If I was told to pick one word to describe myself, I’d go with ” doesn’t pay attention to instructions.”
‘We’ll give you something to complain about.’
~pharmaceutical ads
Gf: I ate that Twix you bought for yourself
Me: I see
Gf: Are you gonna over-react?
Me: Of course not, I know exactly what to do
Ex Gf: what
*placing Trump & Hillary signs on my lawn
Neighbor: “Confused about who to vote for?”
Me: “What? No! I’m making a Halloween haunted house.”
Forget about whether or not you have curves, real women have brains.
My husband surprised me by inviting his new boss and wife for dinner so I surprised them with an icebreaker of mocktails and Cards Against Humanity
Busting out of a grave like a zombie but I just have to pee real bad.
No I don’t carry “a” grudge. I carry like 20 grudges and keep about 50 more in storage to sort through later.
fortune cookie- You will not die alone but with many many cat…
cat: LOL THAT’S SO YOU!
Receptionist:
“That lady in the waiting room is picking her nose.”Plastic Surgeon:
“Good! That’ll save me some time. Send her right in.”
I don’t understand Christian heavy metal. Like why are they so angry for Jesus?
I talk a lot of shit for a middle aged woman who still calls it a potty.
wife: omg what are you doing?
me: wrapping presents
wife:
me:
wife: IS THAT ALUMINUM FOIL?!
It’s gonna be a great beach day, and other mean things meteorologists say as I’m getting ready for work.
Just got 30 minutes of cardio trying to pick up an ice cube from the kitchen floor.
[I find a mysterious note in kitchen]
“LEAF 1 MILLLION UNMARKD DOG TREETS N BAKYARD BY SONDOWN OR WE RELEASH PICHURES OF U PETTIN A CAT”
Since Twitter, I’ve learned to watch TV with my ears
I buy my kids cereal based on which kinds my vacuum cleaner will be able to pick up best.
9yo: My least favorite letter is “c” because it’s not fair that it can be an “s” or “k” sound.
Me:
9yo:
Me: Can I go back to sleep now?
My 5 year old hasn’t said a word in the car after I convinced him that the volume control on our stereo ejects his car seat.
Little known Chinese proverb – He who walks barefoot in a dog’s backyard will be sorry
Superwife! Gets pissed faster than a speeding bullet. More powerful than your longest friendships. Leaps your decisions in a single bound.
If you’re bringing an acoustic guitar camping it will be used as firewood.
Me: how is she?
Dr: well we’ve managed to save the leg
Me: oh thank god
Dr: she died
Me: …
Dr: so do you want the leg or what?
No thanks hot air balloons. I prefer to fly in 75 ton metal tubes as God and the Wright brothers intended.