I’m not ready for the pandemic to be over…
I have yet to bake a single loaf of bread
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I’m trying to become a vegetarian so from now I’m only eating seafood.
Like lobster, prawns and drowned cows.
NATURE DOCUMENTARY NARRATOR: After the python has consumed a huge meal, it’s reduced mobility can leave it open to predation.
ME: It’s fullnerable.
WIFE: Get out.
Apparently at some point in history, hotcakes sold quite briskly.
“Paintings or it didn’t happen.” – 1700’s-1920
I don’t know who needs to hear this but if you have a flock of sheep that’s having trouble with foxes/dogs get an alpaca. The alpaca will happy join the flock as a ‘long sheep’ and will kick the shit out of anyone who messes with its gang.
Source: grew up on a farm.
Life got you down? Just remember that you will never be as confused and sad as the friends and relatives of the world’s first clown.
impressing her on a first date by using no knife but two forks
Remember “pantsing” people in high school… sneaking up behind one of your bros and slipping an extra pair of pants on over his pants
went to get pizza for lunch and when the guy asked what i wanted to drink i wasn’t paying attention so i looked this man in the eyes and said “a side of marinara”
With the cost of concert tickets, you better not be asking the crowd to sing, I did not pay to hear a drunk girl sing my favorite song.
Trains should still have a caboose, if you stop to watch it go by you should be rewarded with a good ending
Keep your friends close and your enemies under the front wheels of your vehicle.
You know you’ve leveled up after quarantine when your kid’s friends hear your fire alarm blaring through their headsets and say, “it’s ok, his mom’s just making dinner.”
Gun people are always like “you can pry it out of my cold dead hands”
Why are you dead in your own story, must not be a very good gun
I draw dicks on my face every Sunday night so my co-workers think I have a social life.
ALEX TREBEK: in einstein’s famous equation, this is equal to mc²
DOG:
CAT:
DOLPHIN: *furiously clicking buzzer*
Apple is now sponsoring the Super Bowl halftime performance.
That means it won’t be noticeably different from last year’s and we’ll have to update our TVs halfway through.
Anyone else wake up in a grass skirt and coconut bra?
My kids keep asking for a cat, so tonight we’re watching Pet Cemetery.
“turn right at the corner donut shop, then left at the pink cake place, your destination is on your right beside the surprisingly good vegan bakery*
[me as a GPS]
me:
table: hi
me: *checks dosage*
If my dad asks, there’s definitely NOT a karate tournament in our house tomorrow at 3.07pm *wink*
“I’d like you to meet my half sister.”
“Different fathers?”
“Shark attack.”
my favorite part of nascar is when I vomit all over my shirt and car after the race., desecrating the logos of the brands that enslave me
Him: whatcha doing over there?
Me: playing on my phone
Him: oh yeah? What game?
Me: my favorite game
Him: which one is that?
Me: …Amazon
Music can transport us, like when I sang “Baby Shark” so loud at Applebees my date got me an Uber.
i always wear this epi pen its rly special. my friend gave it to me literally as he was dying it seemed very important to him that i have it
The secret to success is to surround yourself with people that don’t know you.
* deletes account
*reactivates
AND, ONE MORE THING…
Don’t drink and drive, also don’t call frozen yogurt “fro yo.”