My husband has texted me 12 times from the grocery store with questions. He’s only made it to aisle 4. Pray for me.
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Just unlocked a memory of when I was in college and I was in Cabo with a guy I was seeing & he made me FaceTime my surgeon brother about the fact that his feet were swollen & my brother talked him through it then texted me after “do NOT give me a useless brother in law”
when it’s time for me to follow thru with plans I agreed to
Exercise makes you look better naked, so does tequila, choose wisely my friends
me: there’s more than one way to skin a cat
my friend: w-why do u know that
More photos of empty shelves in stores please, I love seeing the shelving infrastructure of each store.
Hairdresser: what’ll it be
Me: a haircut, dipshit
I like my whiskey like my marriage….
On the rocks.
fondly reminiscing about the time i overslept for work by six hours and didn’t get fired
My 3yo is wearing a hoodie backwards and is storing snacks in the hood and I am in amazement that I created something this magnificent.
Shouldn’t octopus apendages be called eightacles?
sometimes I throw random produce into my basket at the grocery store so I don’t look like an 8 year old who just got an advance on their allowance
[family of snakes boards a plane and spot Samuel L. Jackson a few rows back]
Father snake: oh no not this again
Baby snake: *starts crying*
Lois Lane: “Clark, have you given any thought to contact lenses?”
Clark Kent: *starts sweating nervously*
Made eye contact with a dude walking his dog while I was taking a sip of water from my bottle. The cap was still on. We both noticed.
Please respect my privacy during this difficult time.
“Never let ‘em see you sweat” is my motto when I go to the gym
Babies get so disrespectful when they don’t want their pacifier
Him: “I’ve seen people cry at weddings, but not the rehearsal dinner.”
Me: “I usually don’t cry…but these potatoes are just so awesome!”
No offense but why do birds even have feet? Seems greedy.
welcome to your parents’ house, where the wifi password is fEtbqP2LVp3U6Hkh
SUPERHERO: I alienate my loved ones to protect them from danger
ME: Me too, that’s also my reason
Guys you need to work this out.
*water balloon fight at 10 paces*
Dentist: You grind at night.
Me: Oh, game recognize game.
I broke up with my high school girlfriend because I’m a nerd and she was a cheerleader, we were just wrong for each other. Also I never asked her out or even spoke to her, poor girl didn’t even know I existed.
Warm welcome to all my new followers from last night when I changed my avi to a skinny brunette from Pinterest
The guy next door just put up his Christmas lights… I bet he’s pissed because I beat him, I put mine up 5 years ago..
Hot housemate: I miss my boyfriend
Me: The doctor?
Her: He never comes over anymore
Me *smiling at my room full of apples* yeah it’s so weird
I’m a pancake in that I’m attracted to all cakes equally.
I’m feeling a little too good about myself today, I guess I’ll call my mother.
“This is so relaxing, better than going out”, she thought as she did her own pedicure balanced on one leg like a flamingo.
[Friday night]
Wife: *tells me weekend plans*[Saturday morning]
Me: What are we doing this weekend?