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johnny depp looks like the person who does hair and make up for johnny depp
*after 12 tequila shots*
Left eye – It’s PARTY TIME!!
Right eye – I’m beat, I’m going to lie down in the corner
I miss the days when my work wife and my wife wife were different people.
been doing nothing but overeating and avoiding exercise since this quarantine started and for the last 10 years before that
I am interested in:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 making peace with the terror of being alive
God: *creates pinky toe* Whatcha think?
Angel: It’s cute. But what’s it for?
God: *creating furniture* You’ll see…
i love diet soda i don’t care if it gave rats tumours i’m way bigger and stronger than a rat
Husband looking through take out bag: Did you forget my tacos?
Me spewing taco shell crumbs: Thofe baftards mufed have forgot to pack fem.
A ghost appears in the room. It wants to tell me something, but won’t speak. It throws up it’s hands, as if trapped in another world.
Yeah, great. Just my luck I get haunted by a phantomime.
Any other ladies having their period during this Friday the 13th Full Moon want to meet up and combine powers? I’ll bring a salad.
Her: I can’t do this anymore, you need to grow up
Me: *sticking my head out of the window of my Thundercats themed Tree House* Where’s this coming from?
My closet is like 15 shirts I plan to fit into again and 1 shirt I wear every day.
If Tetris has taught me anything it’s that errors pile up and accomplishments disappear.
Make any conversation awkward by pulling out and starting a stopwatch without saying why you’re doing it.
not a total stranger telling me I’d “better find a man before all the good ones are gone,” on the same day Twitter announces a potential dating app. not today, satan
[ER]
*covered in blood holding eyeball
Name?
Stacy
What’s wrong?
*nods to eyeball
Looking at the chart, rate your pain
I’m the winky face
[America’s Got Talent]
Howie: so how long have you been juggling chainsaws?
Me: actually *lights them on fire* this will be my first time
ACME gave a credit card to Wile E. Coyote with no credit history, just so he could capture a bird. This is why banks need to be regulated.
“See you later alligator”
“In a whilst crocodile”
-why we fought the British for independence
Someone just quote tweeted me to call me pretentious, but they misspelled it. I’d correct them but…
Relationship status: Page 7 of @funTweeters
I miss being the age where the most devastating thing in the world was when my sandwiches got cut into squares instead of triangles.
I’m at the age I need all the beauty sleep I can get. So naturally I’m not able to sleep.
Today someone asked me, how much you weigh….
So I told her one hundred and sexy!#curvyissexy
If someone shows up at my house unannounced, I won’t open the door.
I just stand on the other side of the glass shaking my head no.
My rap name is When i$ Lunch
The occasional loneliness I feel being single doesn’t compare to the pure bliss of never having to share my Hershey’s cream pie or bacon.
You don’t know terror until your kids drive and you’re paying their car insurance.
I asked my niece if she had a newspaper.
She told me newspapers are old school.
She said everyone uses tablets nowadays and handed me her iPad.
That fly never stood a chance.
Cellmate: What are you in for?
Me: The free food and healthcare