4-year-old: What happens when you die?
Me: You go to heaven.
4: No, I mean when you die, do I get your stuff?
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A classic…
Soldier Dying on Omaha Beach.
“dont forget to tell my wife i love her…
and…and…honor me every year with a
…..mattress sale.”
Me: I’m not paranoid.
Also me: Why are all my targeted ads from dreams I had last night?
me: I don’t negotiate with terrorists
wife: she’s three
me: I don’t care how many she is
My funeral instructions to my family were to have me cremated, and I told my best friends under no circumstances should I be cremated.
Men fantasize about me, women want to be me and children obey me!
[wakes up on bathroom rug]
Cinderella is my favorite fairy tale about how foot size is the best way to recognize someone.
My daughter has to give a weather report for school and I hope she does a good job and gets everything wrong.
No I don’t want to ride in a basket beneath your giant flying fire tent.
Me, getting mugged: make sure you use that credit card for groceries. I get fuel points.
throwback to when the car insurance lady asked my mom for front, rear, & side views but she didn’t get the memo..
Talk to your kids about drugs.
Always stay informed about what drug is cool. You don’t wanna be a nerd parent.
[Sexting]
“So, what are you wearing?”
A nice blouse and a light sweater. Sensible shoes.
H: where did you move after your divorce?
Me: On.
I moved on.
[Struts in lookin fly as heck in my speedo, shower cap and armfull of baby dolls
struts out with new understanding of the term baby shower]
Real terror is the moment when you realize you’re about to sneeze with sore abs
*parachutes into your family BBQ*
I noticed you haven’t retweeted me in a while, but I see you had time to make POTATO SALAD…
Your Twitter Dom probably sits at the kids’ table during Thanksgiving
Director: so, you’ll be playing this regular guy…
Johnny Depp: no thanks.
Couples have an amount they can spend up to without discussing with each other. Mine is around $50. My wife’s is around $643.27. Apparently
interviewer: what are some of your strengths
me: i’m really good at making people question their reality
interviewer: what does that mean
me: [slightly tearing up] you really don’t remember the accident do you
When a celebrity dies, who’s the helpful psychopath that immediately changes all the “is”s to “was”s on their Wikipedia page?
I need a guy who’s cute charming smells good smells really good like cinnamon and sugar and flaky crust and actually I just need some pie
I was doing a bench press and a spider dropped on my face.
Not dropping the weights is now my greatest accomplishment in life.
No Shave November
No Deodorant December
Lose Your Job January
Forget To Pay Rent February
Move in With Mom and Dad March
Avoid unwanted pregnancies by using the “pull out” method where you pull out an acoustic guitar at a party & no one will have sex with you.
Took a DNA test, turns out I’m 100% that one Asian who can’t use chopsticks.
Her: See ya later alligator!
Me: *slithers into swamp*
Art teacher: you were supposed to paint a tree
Rorschach: I did
Women shouldn’t work outside the home. It’s STEVE Jobs, not EVE Jobs.