18: That dress makes you look like Minnie Mouse.
Me: Thank you.
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My boss said I couldn’t bring my dog into the office so I had to tie him to a tree outside. He’s not happy about it but it’s cool being in the office with my dog.
I hate cars with no Tint get me outta this water bottle 😡😡
Having a child in your house is like having a sticky poltergeist. Fingerprints everywhere. Shit disappears and reappears at random times and places. Not to mention the odd, seemingly disembodied wailing
If I ever had to turn myself in for a crime I would tell the cops I could describe the perpetrator and then see how long it took the sketch artist to figure it out
Brain, I know you’re trying hard but you are not doing a good job.
I like to do laundry in stages. For example, right now I’m in denial that I should be doing laundry.
One of my personalities goes to the grocery store and buys healthy food…
Now, I can’t find anything to eat in the fridge.
On Amazon looking for a cat water fountain and 😂😂😂
[Stranded after plane crash]
ME: We need to choose which one of us to eat firstGUY: But why, pacifically?
ME: Ok I’ve made my choice
It’s that time of year again, to reflect and remember how much I love my tax deductions.
Kids… I meant my kids.
back in my day criminals had the decency to carry around a sack with a “$” on it so you knew what they were up to
I hope Justin Bieber’s on the next season of “16 and Pregnant”
CNN just wondered if I’m sending disasters to punish you for your sins. No, I’m sending them to punish you for CNN.
Doctor: Describe your headache.
Me: She’s about 5’8″, blonde, and the mother of my children.
If you love something set it on fire. If it doesn’t die, you have a dragon.
Our neighbour always gets my wife’s name wrong, so she started doing the same to him. She apologises and says English names “are challenging to remember” and “am I saying it right?”. His name is Ken
Our daughter ran away from home
once when she was a teenager.We were frantic.
Within months, we called the police
to report her missing.
I brought my Beats headphones to work, and instead of being left alone, I’ve had 7 rap battles and am in the finals against A$AP Carol.
Texting drivers running over texting pedestrians: a modern day zombie apocalypse.
Cheers to all who skipped that one dish at Thanksgiving because you just didn’t trust the person who brought it.
13-year-old: Do you know where the cord is to the electric keyboard?
Me, knows exactly where it is: No.
I rescued a puppy left on the side of the road for my daughter because she said she would take care of her. We are now four days in and she’s loudly told me that she never wants children
me: why aren’t you eating your breakfast?
3: it smells hot
To everyone who mocked me for keeping my old maternity pants for so long … who’s laughing now
I always have a suicide note in my shower so that i wont look stupid if i ever slip and crack my head
A heart-shaped pizza just means less pizza and that’s not a sacrifice I’m willing to make for love.
Celine DiOn
*claps twice*
Celine DiOff
when you miss someone’s call by one second and immediately call back and they don’t answer. what’s going on there. did your telephone explode. did you fall into a chasm.
Me: I’m totally getting used to this
Husband: getting used to what?
Me: you know not doing my hair, and stuff
Husband: again getting used to what?
[Silence]
Me: I hate you
my delayed screaming response has baffled medical doctors and terrified amusement park goers for decades