You can change your cat’s name every day. They don’t care.
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The first Humans saw the sun go up and then back down in 24 hours… and so they decided to call it a day.
*arrives in hell*
*Hey Ya starts playing*
haha nice love this song
*song ends*
…
*Hey Ya starts playing*
wait no
My dad lost his job at the cemetery yesterday. He buried someone in the wrong plot. It was a grave mistake.
“I’m gonna put this somewhere safe” is an ancient incantation that opens a portal to a random point in another timeline, through which all safely kept things travel, never to be seen again.
Husband: You have a chip on your shoulder.
Me: You know that’s untrue because I would have already eaten it.
AC just changed cole slaw to coke slaw so I’ll be busy looking for new recipes
or a new dealer. depends on the recipe I guess
Hotel Security just knocked on my door to deliver a package. He asked for indentification. I showed him my book,with my name and face on it
Having to share a room with your spouse is absolute nonsense. Even kids get their own rooms…
“Your cute”
“My cute what?”
I lied on my resume yesterday. I told them I wanted a job
Cop: we found this dead cat stuffed in the the photocopier
Detective: OMG, another victim of the copy cat killer
Woke up last night and the ghost of Gloria Gaynor was standing over my bed. At first I was afraid, i was petrified.
I’m convinced when squirrels run the road, nearly missing your car, it must be some kind of squirrel gang initiation.
Anonymous just switched everyone in Isis from Amazon Prime shipping to basic shipping. Good luck getting Fallout 4 by Christmas terrorists!
Facebook is a great platform to find long lost friends to borrow money from.
Imagine if a centipede had to cut its toenails.
“Alas, I am surrounded. You must fight on, gentlemen, I fear that it is too late for me. Now come and get me you savages, we shall travel to Hell together!”
You know, I didn’t need to find that poppyseed right between my front teeth immediately after I spoke to the kindergarten room mom for thirty minutes to keep me humble but I guess it won’t hurt
[2 years after going missing at zoo]
wife: [points at TV] “omg thats him”
me: [on the news inside kangaroos pouch] “why is noone helping me”
Me: Door knobs are for losers. Just kick it in.
Anger Management Coach: *takes off glasses and starts silently crying*
[first day as a real estate agent]
me: as you can see this is a beautiful house
client: how many floors does it have
me: *scratching head* um a lot I think there’s one in every room
*Invents silent snack packages. *Becomes president of the United States.
Release that sexual frustration, get a burger.
Hypnotist: you’re feeling very sleepy
Parents: omg yes
Not to brag or anything, but I scored 4 points on flappy bird before my phone mysteriously flung itself across the room
I like how people say “manage your depression” like it’s a stock portfolio but you’re heavily invested in sadness
WIFE: get down here!
ME: *from telephone wire* I’m with my friends
WIFE: why are u wearing fake wings?
ME: *to bird next to me* they’re real
I recently bought a corset to spice up my sex life. Once I’ve learned how to breathe in the damn thing I’ll tell you how it worked out.
ME: I’ll have the burger.
WAITER: And how do you like your burger?
ME: I don’t know. You haven’t brought it to me yet.
Phones are getting smarter and thinner. People, not so much.