Who decided to call them “children”, and not ‘snot machines’.
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Thrilling chase underway
“PARKOUR!” – me, after tripping over nothing on the sidewalk
I’m 20, my face is 18, my voice is 16, my back is 60 🥲.
Optometrist: better or worse
Me: oh worse, everything’s definitely worse
I hear my ex is now into cross dressing & looking for same. At least that’s what the Craigslist ad I just posted on his behalf says.
and jesus said, “there was only one set of footprints because sandpeople always ride single file to hide their numbers.”
Tell us a scary story!
Ok kids, gather around
*holds flashlight up to face
And I’ll tell you all that is evil*puts wedding tape in VCR
Girl, are you a conspiracy theory?
Because I want to listen to you all day long even though I find it hard to believe a word you say.
11-year-old: We had a standardized test all morning.
Me: What was it testing?
11: My patience.
I don’t want to imply I was anything special in college but I was the president of the Ramen Club for 5 years, probably would have been 6, except my parents gave me an ultimate that I needed “to stop putzing around and graduate already.”
I thought the CVS guy was going to ask me to join the rewards program but he said “enjoy your night” so I said “not today, thanks” and left.
It’s a little bit tight did you keep the receipt?
I’ve never made eggplant before. Is it better fried or scrambled?
My doctor told me humans need to have an average of 8 cups of water a day.
Which means if just 4 of you have 10 a day I don’t need to have any.
Even with an open schedule and no events, I still don’t “have enough time” to stay hydrated, apparently.
My dad said he couldn’t get into Game of Thrones because he doesn’t like fantasy so I asked him when he was going to stop watching Fox News.
I swear some people should be banned from cooking
Starbucks this morning looks like a scene from “The Walking Dead.”
What’s the difference between a sweater and a jacket.
You wear a jacket when you’re cold.
You wear a sweater when your mum is cold.
#SweaterDay #RubbishJokes
Me: If Obi-Wan’s clothes remained after Vader killed him, then why wasn’t ghost Obi-Wan naked?
My date: [to waiter] Check, please.
If all the good ones are taken and you are single, what does that make you?
I want “Diet starts tomorrow” written on my tombstone.
On my way to work I saw a turtle crossing at a TURTLE CROSSING SIGN omg so responsible.
[first date]
Her: I just love eating clean and staying healthy, you know?
Me:*flashback to the time I cry-ate two lasagnas* Totally
*Seductively hides in the woods
I’ve found god.
It’s my turn to hide now.
Waiter you misunderstand me. I didn’t say “I need a Mountain Dew: Code Red.” I was letting you know how badly I need a regular Mountain Dew.
[creation of kangaroo]
God: give that bouncy dog a fanny pack
Angel: *hands bouncy dog a fanny pack*
God: no no like build it into its stomach hahaha
Angel: again with this shit
Whatever, hissing raccoon. Sitting there, judging me. I didn’t mean to throw the cake in the trash so it’s still fair game.
I’m a girl that your mother could love. From a distance. Maybe you just show her a picture, and make a lot of shit up.