Dating for me is like wearing cashmere, I think I can handle it, and then a few hours later I’m like, “Get it off of me!!!”
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[Courtroom]
Judge: Have you been up before me?
Convict: I don’t know, Judge. What time were you up this morning?
Welp, I just ran my car off the road. I was doing the “We Will Rock You” beat with my hands and forgot I don’t have a self-driving car
Do you also get pissed off when you walk into a public restroom and someone else is there and you have to wash your hands? Just me then
People think I’m a hugger, but I’m actually shaking them down for snacks.
i dont think any of the wikihow artists have seen a dog in real life
she FINALLY texted me after 16 hours now i will make her wait 45 seconds
I have a Boo and a Bae. I guess you can say I have Boobaes.
If I die, tell them to reconstruct me from sock DNA.
I’m so talented I can not only spill food on my clothes but I can get it on yours too.
Me: you need to show me you can be more responsible
7: I AM RESPONSIBLE *drops scissors next to 9mo baby sister*
Ugh, I’m starting to regret getting bangs.
“You don’t have bangs.”
Wait, what’s that thing you get when a bat bites you?
“Rabies?”
That’s it
Walmart stopped selling hoverboards due to safety concerns. In case you were curious about those empty shelves between the guns and the ammo
When he says he likes your personality but he hasn’t met them all.
My wife said that we need to have a talk after my 2 year old goes down for a nap so I filled her sippy cup with Red Bull.
Tomorrow is Jesus’ birthday. I got him an Xbox. Keeping it at my house until I see him.
If you can name four Metallica songs, you are in Metallica.
Barbie didn’t give me a poor body image; Barbie taught me you can’t reattach a head once it’s been removed from the body.
Wife: *comes home, sees backyard, leaves*
Me: *presiding over well-attended raccoon wedding* Will we see you at the reception!?!?
If you wanna be classy, just use the word “whilst.”
Example: I know I just met you, but can you cum on my face whilst I pinch my nipples?
[trying out my magic tricks for the first time]
*sawing person in half*
Funeral director: *wrestling me away from casket*
I opened a card at my desk that was decorated with glitter and now my coworkers think I have a night job.
To my American friends: On Sunday, don’t forget to set your clocks back one hour. On Tuesday, try not to set your country back 50 years.
Someone should tell the Twitter ads I’m getting I can afford the next sub sandwich not ocean going vessel.
I don’t care if my kids are literally performing demon-summoning incantations in their rooms after bedtime as long as they stay in there.
The downside to posting jokes all the time is that if I tweeted “Help, I am in an Iranian prison” everyone would be like “haha good one”
WIFE: Your heavy drinking is making you delusional
ME: *turns to friend* Do you think that’s true?
WOLVERINE: Nah, don’t listen to her
We weren’t traipsing, Mom. We are rapscallions. We galavant.
If you get the Wordle in 5 while a toddler is screaming at you it counts as getting the Wordle in 1.
Me: *returns from bakery with a bap, bagel, bun & cob*
Wife: What are these?
Me: The synonym rolls you asked for.
Wife: CINNAMON.
Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day? You smell of bins.