Vodka = liquid CTRL + ALT + DELETE
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Almost every branch of science has a pseudoscience associated with it: chemistry and alchemy, astronomy and astrology, math and economics…
Netflix: *30 seconds into an Adam Sandler comedy* Are you still watching?
Looking at pictures of myself as a kid taken just after my mother cut my bangs makes me wonder what she used to mix in her Tang.
people often debate spf levels, but i’ve always found the most effective sunscreen to be the roof of an air conditioned house
me: I need tires
michelin: here you go
me: now if only someone could rate my restaurant
michelin: you’re not gonna believe this
Not to brag, but I can spend hours coming up with reasons not to do something that takes 5 minutes.
Feeling sad because my hamster died… Well he’s not ‘technically’ dead yet, but I ran out of food so it’s really just a matter of days.
Pro tip: Make sure your email to the HR lady doesn’t say she seems too busty to handle your issues
imagine a world where there’s like 30 other guys who look exactly like you and you all go everywhere together and you’re all constantly screaming. that’s what being a crow is like. hard not to be jealous of that lifestyle…
Me: It’s time for your nap.
6: I don’t wanna take a nap!!
M: First off, don’t talk back to me. Second, I was talking to me.
Wife: Whatchya thinking about?
Me: *Thinking about how dogs understand more English words than I understand dog words* Science stuff.
Walked into WalMart and a small child pointed at me and said “what is that thing?”
I don’t know either, kid
ME: So what do you do?
DATE: I’m a chef in the army.
ME: Aah, so you’re in the mealitary.
HER: *already in an Uber
i like how every TEDtalk ever is just like “organize your time better” and everyone says “revolutionary, thank you”
me: *dipping broccoli in fondue* check it out im skinny dipping lol
waiter:
me: get it cuz its a vegetable haha
waiter: where are ur clothes
A horse walks into a bar & the bartender says, “why the long face?” & the horse says, “why the English Lit degree?”
*puts seashell up to ear*
Me: I think I can hear the ocea-
Seashell: Seven days. You will die in seven days.
Me: (to friend) It’s for you.
[sees kid crying in grocery store]
hey little guy
[kneels down to his level]
Can you please move you’re blocking the Cinnamon Toast Crunch?
*Looks around nervously* The steam from my pasta is ungluing my chest hair toupee and the other mafia bosses are taking notice.
MAYOR’S TIP: before you spend 20 minutes blowing an air mattress, make sure it’s really an air mattress, and not Gary hiding under a blanket
Can we all just agree that nothing needs to be connected to Facebook ever?
stranger: is this snake poisonous?
us: nah fam,
stranger: *picks up snake, gets bitten, starts foaming at the mouth*
us: it’s venomous tho
You have an October wedding, I’m bringing a 12 ft skeleton as my plus-one, Tamantha.
Call me crazy but it looks like cage free eggs come in little cages to me.
[Jesus goes over the bill at the last supper]
“Why would-[closes eyes & rubs bridge of nose]-Why would anyone order wine?”
Kobe was a legend on the court and just getting started in what would have been just as meaningful a second act. To lose Gianna is even more heartbreaking to us as parents. Michelle and I send love and prayers to Vanessa and the entire Bryant family on an unthinkable day.
History may repeat itself but a toddler does it better.
During the day I don’t believe in ghosts, But at night I’m a little bit more open minded
Donate one kidney and you’re a hero. Donate a couple more and suddenly you’re a monster
* deletes account
*reactivates
AND, ONE MORE THING…