Mom: we looked at tons of baby names-
Shakespeare: What’s in a name? That which we call a rose by any other name would smell as sweet
Mom: we picked Bertha
Shakespere: oh god ew
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you know a tweet’s gotten spread around when random catholics get mad at you “PLEASE DON’T GO TO MASS IF YOU’RE NOT CATHOLIC” my..my wife wanted me to go, you turkey, catholic mass is not my go-to choice for a FUN NIGHT OUT
Trying to find the $59 airfare advertised by Southwest is the adult version of Where’s Waldo.
cowgirl so I can see the light fade from his eyes when I ask if he’d still love me if I was a worm.
Sharing a bed should be like boxing:
• meet in middle
• fist-bump
• put in mouthguards
• go to separate corners
• no touching until 1st bell
My favorite part of eating alone at this trendy restaurant was when the waitress asked if I had cats because I had cat hair, “all over.”
Went to Target to look at discounted Christmas stuff but apparently it’s Valentine’s Day now.
I admire my phone for not working when it gets too hot. I, too, sometimes feel that I’m so hot I shouldn’t have to work
At this point I’m waiting for my student loans to ask me if I want to add 10%, 15% or 20% gratuity to my bill.
Who called them ‘horses’ and not ‘neigh-sayers?’
Roses are red
Daisies are white
I’m in a grumpy mood
My underwear is too tight
I’m not dramatic but my money has to be facing all the same way and right side up, otherwise the world will explode.
My gym shut down but a pizza place opened in its spot so my visits have remained pretty consistent
Me:*spends 4hrs comparing gift prices on several sites to save $4*
Also Me: *spends $33 on pizza because I shopped too long to cook $6 chicken*
My spirit animal took one look at me and went back to the spirit world.
Being a woman means owning ten bras. One you wear six days a week. One is on emergency reserve in case you have to leave the house on laundry day. And the rest exist to take up space in your already overstuffed underwear drawer.
[having sex]
HER: talk dirty to me
ME: I’ve been wearing the same underwear for weeks
HER: no, I mean-
ME: I drink my own bath water
So glad I spent $50K on university instead of saving for retirement; I’ll be the most well-read indigent in the VIP area under the overpass.
If you say “cash money” around me,
Don’t act surprised when I kick you in the “balls nuts”See how stupid that sounds?
Cyber Monday is probably my favorite holiday to get paid to do my Christmas shopping at work.
Genie: you have three wishes
Me: I wish we never met
Genie: but then how would I grant…
Me: your problem
You deplete me
I make eating corn on the cob fun for everybody at the bbq by eating it in rows typewriter style and saying ‘ding’ loudly at the end of each row.
Someone on TikTok asked if people with office jobs just sit at our computers all day and answer emails
Obviously that’s not true
We also have meetings about the emails and then write emails about the meetings
Kids these days, I tell ya
*Girl opens Xmas present*
“Why’d you get me carrots and lettuce?”
“Wait but that means-”
*Hamster at home wearing glorious diamond earrings*
WHAT’S UP WITH ALL THE SILENT TREATMENT?!
~me, drunk, at a wax museum
I went outside without makeup on. A child cried and I think a bird flew into a window on purpose.
I blame cartoon elephants for influencing how I overreact when I see a mouse.
They don’t even serve apples at Applebee’s.
Or bees.
If another mom leaves her kids with her husband to meet you out somewhere and you bring your toddler, that is considered an act of war.
If a tree falls in the woods and there is no one to hear it, he still tries to play it off like he meant it so the other trees don’t laugh.