A wok that cooks so fast you call it a run.
You Might Also Like
Some people are scared of spiders and some people are scared of clowns but EVERYONE should be afraid of spiders dressed as clowns.
Wife: Don’t you think the yard needs to be mowed?
(from my recliner I check google maps satellite view of our house)
Me: It looks fine to me
still processing the fact the US government was like yeah, aliens are real and coming more and more often, and we were all like listen it’s been a hard year lol and then we just didn’t talk about it again
[sideline]
QUARTERBACK: I think we should run it. How about you?
COACH: Hmm…pass[huddle]
CENTER: Well?
QUARTERBACK: He refused to answer
Can you cross-breed tropical birds? I want to try, but I’ve got nothing toucan-parrot-too.
*brings a rubber band to a lobster fight*
Hate it when people tell me “don’t be stupid”. It’s not like I have a choice in the matter.
[first date]
ME: Don’t let her know you’re a teacher
HER: [eats mint from purse] So, w-
ME: I HOPE YOU BROUGHT ENOUGH FOR THE WHOLE CLASS
Why are people scared of flying?! The Earth is a giant spaceship with no pilots. That’s way scarier.
HR: Once again – “Judy from the Internet said so” isn’t a valid excuse….
Me: But…
Today I came across a snake that seemed parched and tired, so I gently trickled some water from my water bottle on its snout for a few minutes and it quietly sipped. One of those nature moments that was nice but in retrospect makes me look like some sort of evil forest spirit
Some random lady took down our outside decorations because “Halloween is over,” and now I want to invite her inside because Dinner is over, and I don’t want to clean up from dinner any more than I wanted to clean up after Halloween.
Today, my 3 year-old yelled at me because I forgot to close the fridge, then reminded me to turn off the kitchen light.
He just needs to fall asleep during a movie and his transformation into me would be complete.
[two female cops come to arrest me but I am hiding in the men’s bathroom]
Haha
“What do we do?”
[party]
ME: I’m uncomfortable
BF: Just mingle
ME: Do I introduce myself?
BF: We’re at your family reunion
*Decision made
I was thinking of being narsysistic.
But I can’t spell it.
So I’m going to be vein.
Him: You hang up first.
Me: *click
ME: OMG did I just get a shout-out on the radio?
GETAWAY DRIVER: [turning off police scanner] Kinda
I believe the plural is “milves.”
FRIEND: Pretend like you’re not too interested
ME: Ok
[later]
DATE: My grandmother recently passed away
ME: Who cares
“We are launching new bright color marketing, we heard people like it!”
Who? Who did you ask? Cardi B? Vanilla Ice? DJ Jazzy Jeff?
My talents are so hidden that I can’t even find them
Don’t hate me cause I’m beautiful, hate me cause I stole your lunch out of the office fridge
Ok, don’t let them know you’re a puma
Interviewer: We’re very impressed! You’ve got the job!
“REALLY!?! I’M SO HAPPY I JUST PUMA PANTS”
apparently “spite” is not the appropriate answer to “What motivates you?”
My kid actually changed her sheets today but only because the old ones desperately crawled to the laundry room on their own.
If your friend says they can’t swim, don’t make them go in the water because they might be hiding the fact that they’re a robot and you don’t want them to know that you know.
I may be short but I sure as heck can dunk. Donut coffee dunks are my speciality.
When I hear “This call is being monitored for quality assurance” I think “Cool, let’s see how bad this person wants their job.”