You know you’re drunk when you sit down on the toilet & try to put your seatbelt on
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AC changed midlife crisis to kidlife crisis & now 5 is leaving me for a younger dad that drives a sports car
You gotta know when to hold em
Know when to fold em
Know when to walk away
Know when to runThis concludes your parenting course.
Me: Don’t you hate it when you walk into a room but don’t remember why you’re there?
Executioner: Ugh the WORST
It must be almost impossible for chalk-outline guys not to turn victims’ hands into turkeys this time of year.
*gingerly maneuvers the garbage can back into place between a stack of crown molding we’ll never use and your antique pesticide collection*
I just told my wife it took her longer to pick a Netflix movie than it took me to pick out her engagement ring and that was a bad analogy.
I don’t know much about friends with benefits but i’m always carrying a snack or two if that counts
Looking at pictures of myself as a kid taken just after my mother cut my bangs makes me wonder what she used to mix in her Tang.
[me, to my brother] I can’t believe we’ve never been to Coachella
[my Ukrainian grandfather] when I your age, bear eat my wife
Jesus: saw that facebook event “last supper”… looks good but whys it called the “last supper” ?
Judas: oh.. No reason really
[me, trying to join a conversation about Game of Thrones] oh man, there are just so many thrones, I don’t have a favorite really
[Airport Bar]
Me: I’ll have a beer, please.
Bartender: That’ll be $45.
Me: Worth it.
Who called it a period tracker and not a flow chart?
The next Godzilla/King Kong universe movie:
“How I Met Your Mothra”
the ghost that shares the upstairs bathroom with us would like a word
Some generations will never know having to drive by someone’s house to see if they’re home.
it should be socially acceptable to just face the wall at a party when you need a break from talking
[coming in second] Meh, I never cared about winning in the first place.
this is supposed to be an 18 year old
It’s my Roomba’s birthday so I’m bringing him to the beach and I’m just gonna let him go crazy
I gave my baby a teething toy so she would stop chewing on my fingers.
She wasn’t interested because it didn’t scream out in pain.
“No son of mine is going to spend his entire day playing video games!” I tell everyone on various social media sites.
I do really good on my diet for like 8 or 9 hours, and then I wake up.
Beer before liquor never been sicker. Taco Bell before wine no 69
Zipping up jacket on myself: easy, tabs fit together perfectly, zipper glides up nicely
Zipping up jacket NOT on me: nothing works, these pieces don’t even fit, how did I break it?
Each one of us has a secret. My secret is that I can’t keep a secret. Also Jill is a lesbian.
I lost a contact at the gym and while I was searching for it people started gathering around and long story short I teach yoga now.
I would rather see a scorpion in my house than one of those antique dolls with the glass eyes.
Make someone’s day better by not showing up for work
Whenever someone asks why I have a bandaid on I say “I was fighting a henchman on top of a moving train and I got hit by a bee”