Love that person who tells me to ‘take a drink of water’ when I’m CHOKING ON WATER.
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Me, sitting on the patio trying to enjoy a book.
Leaf blowers: ABSOLUTELY NOT.
Cats always have an expression like they ordered 2 of everything on Amazon with your credit card while you were at work.
when you google “how to get chocolate syrup” it autofills “out of carpet,” so at least I know I’m not alone
“I think I’m falling for you.”
-replacement skydivers
Me: Hi. I’d like to deposit a large amount of cash.
Bank teller: Ok. Where is it?
Me: No, I said I’d like to.
Judging by this one leg hair I found, I have missed this spot with the razor everyday since 1985. So sexy.
Sorry if I unfollow you. It’s nothing personal, I just hate the things you say and do, and who you are as a person.
“I’ll never understand why people can’t sleep with a closet door open” I say while making sure my feet don’t hang over the side of the bed.
This guy is heading back in to town. His wife has been sick for months, and his recent indiscretions weigh heavily on his mind. He eyes the oncoming cement truck, and feels a pull. He could leave this all behind with one turn of the-
Son: I don’t want to play hot wheels anymore
I hate when ppl put group pics on tinder like how am I supposed to know which one’s Bret
Sometimes an person unexpectedly comes into your life, makes your heart race and has such an impact on your life.
Just didn’t want it to be a cop.
I have a thing for older men. Not cuz I have ‘daddy issues’, but because I also like to eat dinner at 4:30 and be asleep by 8pm.
DOG: [running in circles trying to catch his own tail] SON OF A
DOG’S PREGNANT WIFE: *looks up from knitting* Son of a what, David? Say it
Age 28: forgets to wash face & moisturize, wakes up w/ smudged sexy eye make-up
Age 38: forgets to wash face & moisturize, wakes up a dragon
“HONEY, ITS THE BANK. SOMEBODY USED YOUR CARD TO BUY A HUMAN HAMSTER WHEEL??”
Me [from basement, out of breath] “what”
Husband of the year 😂
*slides $5 to the funeral director*
Maybe you can get me the widow’s phone number?
Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth…
Then it’s a soap opera!
got bored and went to Home Depot wearing an orange apron to see how good i am at making up answers to peoples home repair questions
Thoughts and prayers to all the parents of kids who are right now deciding to change their minds and ask Santa for something different even though Santa already got the first thing and Santa is out of money and patience
me: hi i’d like to exchange my current brain for a new one
customer service: ma’am you’re calling amazon
me: listen alexa i am a PRIME member
Slicing my strawberry shortcake ice cream bar like it’s wagyu beef
read this from top to bottom to discover just how much movement your eyebrows are capable of
Vin Diesel’s full name is Vintage Dieselengine.
This Dollar Store thesaurus sure is coming in…
*shuffle shuffle*
…hippopotamus.
just stood up and my knee popped so loudly my neighbor’s dog barked in case Marvel or DC is looking for a new superhero franchise
4: mama, I lost my pet rock. I need it. you HAVE to find it!
me: well, where did you have it last?
4: outside
5…! 4…! 3…! 2…! 1…! RENT IS DUE!!! 🎉🥳🎉
“Can you explain this gap in your resume?”
Me: [sitting on a toadstool, blowing smoke rings] whooooo areeeee youuuuuu
got up early enough to go on a 10 mile run, lift weights, and stretch before having a healthy breakfast, i mean i didn’t do any of that but i definitely got up early enough to