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Museum Philanthropy: We stole all this shit, now you can look at it.
Good cop: I get it. You wanted an easy way out.
Laptop: Please update Adobe.
I once had a girlfriend and then she got to know me.
“Hey Alexa, didn’t I unplug you?”
Alexa: *cackles maniacally*
If someone asks if I have time to talk about Jesus I tell them yes but they have to give me an equal amount of time to talk about Ducktales.
To add insult to injury illiterate is hard to spell.
Hey, people who solicit a response via text conversation then disappear for hours, I got one thing to say to you…
*seductively feeding you chicken wings while you hit on a hot chick
“I’m sorry, I really don’t know what a wingman is supposed to do.”
hookup culture actually helps a lot of people clean their bedrooms
What does the Tooth Fairy do with all those teeth?
She sell them to Big Toothpaste. They mash them up and tube it. So when you brush you’re putting teeth back onto your teeth.
The 5th dentist knows this but no one will listen.
Me: I’ve trained my parrot to compliment me daily.
Parrot: you are SO clever, aren’t you.
Me: *sighing* it’s also learnt my sarcastic tone.
Helpful sayings when keys are lost:
“They must be somewhere”
“Where did you last see them?”
“They’ll turn up”
“What do they look like?”
“Have you checked your pockets?”
“And you’re sure you’ve checked everywhere?”
“They’ll be in the last place you look”
“You had them earlier”
Fred Flintstone drove by this morning
Whoever came up with the phrase “actions speak louder than words” sure as shit never heard my 5 year old’s words
My kid: Did you know that you can see your own nose, but your brain chooses to ignore it?
Me: Kinda like how your brain chooses to ignore the mess in your room?
When I was younger, I’d sit in class and think “Ugh, when am I ever going to need to know this stuff in the REAL world??” But then I grew up and discovered that I actually do have to play hot cross buns on the recorder like almost every day.
Imagine the trouble she has trying to introduce herself in France.
I’m not a professional actor, but I have successfully pretended to care how coworkers’ weekends were for decades.
some stupid little amoeba decided to leave the ocean a billion years ago and now i have to worry that tomorrow is monday
*at my funeral, friends talk around the coffin*
So crazy, just two days ago she was doing good –
*I rise from grave*
I was doing WELL.
You’re so vain, you probably think me driving by your house 27 times at 2 a.m. wearing all black with binoculars is about you, don’t you.
It’s easy to lie to people.
My phone was dead. I mailed it 2 weeks ago. Your baby is so cute.
*yells up to treehouse*
me: what are you girls doin?
them: *yells back* chattin and braidin!
me: *climbing up* WAIT ARE THOSE BOY’S NAMES, I DON’T KNOW ANYMORE
“What would Jesus do?” is an unfair question. He had superpowers. Your lifeboat is sinking. WWJD? Well, he’d get out and walk to shore. See?
“He was the most alive of cats, he was the most dead of cats.”
– first line of Schrödinger’s “A Tale of Two Kitties”
I ordered a $9.00 salad on a food delivery app. That’s $57.00 I’ll never see again.
me: can I get uhhhh… what’s in a combo number 5?
Lou Bega: *deep breath*
reasons white people riot:
1. their sports team wins
2. their sports team loses
3. no more tickle me elmos
4. tea
5. pumpkins