I don’t mean to brag, but i’m an amazing sport coach. I can make ppl run very fast.
*From me
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Archaeologist: These drawings – could the horn shapes on top of their heads actually be antennas? Are we seeing depictions of aliens?
A zillion years ago: Here kids take this charcoal and go draw on the rocks.
3yo: Ima draw daddy when he gets up in the morning. 𝘨𝘪𝘨𝘨𝘭𝘦
THERAPIST: are you still using euphemisms to get friends to go jogging
ME: no one ever wants to have the runs with me
[Hospital]
Doctor:”…and so the baby is fine.”
Me:”And my wife?”
Doc:”I’m afraid she’s critical”
Me:”I know! But how is she?”
Gravy boat is a pretty stupid name. You don’t fill a regular boat with water…
If I had ten cookies and you took one,what would you have?
That’s correct.
A black eye and broken hand.
Teacher: Thanks getting here at such short notice. It’s about your son.
Me: Clive? What’s he done?
Teacher: Well, he said to another boy in class that “My dad could beat up your dad” and-
Me: What is going on?
Teacher: We are going to find out. This is Mr Smith.
I went out of town for a few days and came home to my dog who seems to want to have a word with me about it.
I have normal fears like everyone else, like spiders and snakes and the fear that someone is gonna inject me with heroin and I’ll immediately become an addict at no fault of my own and end up living on the streets. Ya know, regular stuff.
Her: I want to fulfill your deepest desire.
Me: *gives her recipe for my mom’s peach cobbler* The crust is the most important part.
Not sure if I washed the spider down the drain in my shower or if he took one look at me naked and then leapt willingly to his death.
All I’ve ever really wanted is a modest little home, nothing fancy. A usable kitchen, a yard for the dog, a sprawling bookcase-accessible secret Victorian library with a minimum of three rolling ladders and a kindly ghost librarian. I don’t ask for much.
“What kind of sick game are you playing, Karen?”
Is #GoHomeIndianMedia really trending? Can we respond with #NoPleaseYouKeepThem or #OkFineWhereElseCanWeSendThem
The bad news is my toddler dumped my husband’s large water bottle all over the couch and himself. The good news is now he’s had his bath
Bought some of that edible cookie dough.
Gotta say it’s just not as good without the hint of a salmonella threat.
A journey of a thousand miles
begins with-running back in the house for
something you forgot.
Now that my whole family is in our house all the time, it’s just nothing but drive-by shushing of each other all day.
I’ve been repeating the same mistakes in life for so long now I may as well call them traditions.
*sees baby*
*crouches down, does some cute baby talk*
*no reaction from baby*
*stands up slowly*
You’ve made a powerful enemy today, baby
me: no shoes in the house
murderer: sorry
Hugh Laurie auditioned for the role of a British detective, but a House is not a Holmes.
Nobody:
Toy Makers: KIDS ARE PROBABLY HARD OF HEARING SO MAKE SURE EVERYTHING IS LOUD
Oh, you don’t have sex on the first date? How about on the last date?
What a heatwave. I just fried an egg on the top of my car! I needed help to get the cooker up there, but it was worth it.
I like big DUCKS & I cannot lie
All you other mallards can’t deny
That a big beaked freak with a-
Park Ranger: Sir, you’re scaring the kids
Twitter is a good place to meet men. The odds are good but the goods are odd.
Me: *washes hands 97 times a day now*
Also me: *hasn’t washed coffee mug since 2003*
If you’re creepy and you know it ~~~> buy a van
THE HOT FISH FROM NEMO???? WHAT DO YOU MEAN THE HOT FISH FROM NEMO?????
HER: *Points to my dish* I’ll have what he’s having
ME:*Blocks plate w/ my arms* This is mine
H: No, I mea-
M:*To waiter* Tell her it’s mine