I’m gonna make a photo editing type program that makes you look like a Hobbit and call it Frodoshop.
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Yes, Barbie gave us unrealistic body standards. But she also gave us unrealistic expectations about boyfriends being willing to wear matching neon outfits and rollerblade with you.
me: but “greetings” is a greeting
jimmy kimmel: do you honestly not understand that we can’t just say “conversations” back and forth for ten minutes
Me: Hey, wanna do nothing for Valentine’s this year?
Him: Why break tradition?
I can’t be the only one worried about where spiders go in winter.
Guys! I’ve learned the secret women use to find things. Women actually MOVE THINGS AROUND when looking for something on a cabinet shelf!
dracula is the original vampire, which means all other vampires are technically his kids. but has he ever paid child support?? dracula is nothing but a deadbeat dad, that’s why he can’t look at himself in the mirror, he’s too ashamed
Stealing endorsements is not how you become the president of the United States, homie. Leave my name out ya mouth…
Listen buddy, I don’t know why I’m doing karate in your bedroom either, sometimes things happen
Me- my boyfriend never messages goodnight before sleeping 😞
My friend- maybe because you don’t have one?
COP: step outta the car
ME: k
COP: are u carrying any drugs
ME: [a mousetrap is in my pocket] i don’t remember but i do consent to a search
1% milk was invented when someone poured regular milk into a glass that still had water in it and they were too ashamed to admit their mistake.
date: I won’t be able to see you for a while. I need to focus on watching the World Cup.
me: *flops to the ground clutching my shin*
“That sucked.”
-Elephants who just saw The Peanuts Movie
Establish dominance by sitting close to the buffet and growling every time someone walks up to get food.
Maybe trying to get out of the car with my seatbelt still on is my car’s way of saying I don’t need to go into the store for more cookies. I dunno.
Killer with knife to my throat: it’s ironic how you’re about to die in your living room.
Me: actually, that’s not really what ironic means.
Trumpy Cat
Day 1,459 of my son acting shocked and aggrieved when I tell him to go brush his teeth before bed.
My charger only works if my phone is on a 45 degree angle, resting on a tiny pillow with Pat Benatar playing quietly in the background.
The number of Piña coladas I drank on vacation is this (my daughter doesn’t want to cruise with me again) many.
[folds menu gently and sets down]
please may I have the applebee
My neighbors hate me because I still haven’t taken my Groundhog Day decorations down.
Horrifying if literal: a handbag
Me: At work, I’m always the smartest person in the room
Friend: You teach first grade
I hope my neighbors follow me on Twitter cause their car’s lights are on.
I PowerWashed the scale this morning because it kept calling me dirty names, like fat.
No I don’t have Tourette’s. I just stubbed my toe
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My former co-worker’s neighbor’s cousin
Facebook: “You may know this person. Add friend?”