[at ER]
ME: my stomach hurts.
DOC: have you been able to eat anything today?
ME: yeah, like 75 pieces of pizza.
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in my opinion yamaha is probably the best grand piano/motorcycle company out there
Noah build an ark
“what? why”
I’m gunna flood the earth
“just give me fish powers”
[jealous he didn’t think of that] JUST DO WHAT I SAY!
*sees locks of hair on floor*
*looks at daughter*
*looks at American Girl doll*
“Oh, thank God, you cut your own hair”
Girlfriend: “Does this dress make me look fat?”
Me: “Stop blaming the dresses.
Crazy how I started out my life wanting to be Bart Simpson and ended up Millhouse’s dad
My girlfriend told me that it was either her or my Meatloaf discography. I told her I would do anything for love, but I can’t do that.
Not sure if I want buns of steel, or buns of cinnamon.
When a fancy lady told me she was from an upscale neighborhood, I stared at her, mouth agape and said, ‘Oh shit! I’m so sorry. Are you okay?’ She didn’t like that at all.
Sure Xfinity internet service is overpriced and spotty but you can’t put a price on unintentionally being dropped from every Zoom meeting.
This new hand sanitizer is 99.9% effective in reminding me about all of my paper cuts.
The best revenge is a life lived well or cyanide in their coffee.
Before pulled pork, pork just used to stand on the edge of the dance-floor, nodding to the music and looking cool.
she would like to bark at the manager, please.
I can see clearly now the rain has gone; I can *backs into mailbox* see all obstacles in my way *runs over squirrel* omg I love this song
those guys holding fish in their dating profile pictures are just demonstrating how they’ll carry you over the threshold after marriage.
The child: (hearing someone get mad) you say that word sometimes, Mommy.
Me: What word?
The child: Funking.
Me: No, honey, I don’t ever say funking.
It’s exciting to receive a Valentine’s Day card and not know who it’s from. A Father’s Day card, not so much.
[after discovering wine] WHAT ELSE *hiccup* WHAT ELSE CAN WE DRINK AFTER IT GOES BAD
Motherhood is full of surprises but the biggest surprise is when I take my bra off at night and random things I hid from my kids come tumbling out.
TEENS IN THE 70S: let’s protest war
TEENS IN THE 80S: let’s protest capitalism
TEENS IN THE 90S: let’s rage against the machine
TEENS TODAY: let’s eat laundry detergent
My daughter is so excited to climb the rope in gym class today that I’m starting to doubt she’s mine.
If you ever get attacked by a bear, throw your shark at it. Also, get a shark.
ME: *sees a puppy*
BRAIN: Your backpack could fit a puppy.
Interviewer: “Are you proficient with Microsoft Office?”
Interviewee: “Word.”
I was getting chased by a man yelling “STOP, POLICE!” & I yelled “YES YES STOP POLICE! THEY’RE OUT OF CONTROL!” But he kept chasing me
somethings never fade away, like a memory of your first dog, or that line on your stomach after you sit for too long.
Auto correct changed “group hug” to “grope hug” and I’m not in charge of the team-building exercises any more.
As I was leaving the car wash, a guy that works there told me to “have a day” and I thought, you know what, I will.
It’s so disorienting to eat a shrimp and gain it’s memories
No need to rev your engine, I’m not impressed by your car unless it’s a food truck