Saw a guy on the highway in the car next to me sneeze so I ran him off the road and into the barrier. We’re in this together, folks
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A hooker once showed me her dollar menu. Her meat actually did resemble McDonald’s.
CHINA: how can we fix our economic problems???
GERMANY: how do we reestablish our engineering reputation???
USA: OH MY GOD RAT WITH A PIZZA
[me as a disc jockey]
me: call in with any requests
*phone rings*
me: you’re on the air
caller: please stop playing mambo number 5
Star Wars VII: the force awakens
Star Wars VIII: the force goes out to play
Star Wars IX: goodnight force
My 4yo said “daddy, I have two poops on my phone” and I was thankful to see they were just emojis
Once this giraffe adoption comes through, my days of cleaning gutters are over.
Logically the best time to kick someone is when they are down
My husband pissed me off today, so I hid his keys by putting them in the spot where we keep our keys.
I bought some IKEA furniture and paid extra for delivery and set-up.
Next day, they dumped the box and a dead body in my yard. And called the cops.
It’s so unfair how the houses on HGTV get remodeled in 30-60 minutes, but my house is taking 2-3 months.
If the FBI want to get into an iPhone w/o users permission, they should ask someone who’s done it before, like U2
my 4yo has started saying the phrase “calm down” and it works as well on me as it does on him
A great way to end small talk is by saying “you’re not real, you’re not real.”
Me: What are you doing?!
5-year-old: Hugging my sister.
Me: Hugs don’t start with a flying tackle.
5:
Me:
5: The good ones do.
Just show up everyday and be consistent.
Toddlers make it easy to do that especially when they come to your room and just show up in your face, silently, at 3 am staring at you.
I never understood why people complain about camping. What’s not to love about a luxury, air-conditioned cabin fully stocked with food, beer, and WiFi?
*turns off comments*
ME: I have zero interest in owning a parrot.
CLERK: This parrot is 80% off.
ME: I will take 4 parrots.
WIFE: you need to stick to your budget
ME: the spatula broke we need a new kitchen
A good way to mess with a jogger is to run up along side them and say “I think we lost them.”
My husband and I are bonding over how much we hate our marriage therapist, so I think it’s working?
I love how Hello Fresh always gives me way more garlic than I need. I admire a company not afraid to take a firm stance against Dracula.
TurboTax: Do you have any dependents?
Me: Just one.
TurboTax: Dependent’s last name?
Me: B-E-Z-O-S
*First Date*
Me: I really like what you tried to do with what’s left of your hair.
I rode in the back seat with my baby until she was big enough for a front-facing seat because she cried not being able to see me.
It made it hard to drive but the peace and quiet were worth it.
“I could stay awake just to hear you breathing…Watch you smile while you’re sleeping…”
Aerosmith = Romantic
Me = Restraining Order
OFFICE CHRISTMAS PARTY
BOSS: I don’t know you. Do you work here?
ME: *sips wine* No.
HIM: So your wife does?
ME: *sips his wine* Again no.
The only thing I love more than an open mind is an open bar.
Asking me if I want a bag for the box of tampons I just bought is like asking me if they’re for here or to go.
Me: I want a labrador but pet shops are so expensive
Her: Have you tried dog pounds?
Me: Yeah, but apparently it’s ‘not a real currency’
Coming soon to Fox and Friends: a crime fighting duo useless at stopping mass shootings. They are THOUGHTS AND PRAYERS, Wednesdays at 9 pm.