If you see a distressed woman in the street screaming that she can’t find her baby, don’t offer to help her make another one.
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I love when people ask if pets are adopted, like no, I was in labour for 28 hours and it was an all natural birth, thanks for asking Linda
Twin: ya know how we always-
Me: -finish each other’s sentences!
Prison Warden: VISITING TIME IS OVER
Twin: so I had an idea…
A chilling warning for the old people in my village.
Guys I’ve misplaced one of my gold cubes, please let me know if it turns up.
I did a tarot card tweet once and it bombed. Guess I should’ve seen that coming.
Losing a loved one during the holidays is tough. My dad died during Toyotathon
James is coming over.
“James from work or James who thinks he’s a leprechaun?”J: TOP O’ THE MORNIN’ TO YA!
“I’ll hide the Lucky Charms.”
Say goodbye to your girlfriends cause I just bought a book on magic tricks
Bad joke of the day:
What did the finger say to the thumb?
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I’m in glove with you.
7: Mom, sometimes when you’re talking to me, I have no idea what you’re talking about.
M: Join the club.
[first date at a karaoke bar]
Him: you said you had the voice of a siren
Me: I do! [grabbing the mic] Which would you prefer, ambulance or police?
Marty McFly: *plays Nickelback*
Guess you guys aren’t ready for that yet but your kids are gonna love it.
*returns to the present to find a world without children*
*Holding a banana like a phone* (texting)
On the plus side, I don’t think anyone will ever again use the term “staycation.”
Husband is watching a Hunger Games movie marathon with the kids.
Little does he know that while he’s at work all day, I LIVE the Hunger Games with these people. And it’s definitely a marathon.
One day, thousands of years from now, archaeologists will dig up my dead body and be like, “She’s been lying on top of the remote this entire time.”
[Deli]
Me: can I get a children’s sub
Employee: sure thi-
Elon Musk: move over I got this
imagine a reverse pizza. the missing hole on the table where the pizza is meant to be. everything else is pizza. the solar system. the air.
the area 51 thing but someone makes an event called “Don’t Go To Work, They Can’t Fire All of Us” and then we trick everyone into a general strike by calling it a “meme”
[At bar]
BARTENDER: I dont think she wants to talk man
ME: [dabbing on pickle juice as cologne] I think I know what the ladies want pal
*Secretly hands your kid a Sharpie*
“So tell me more about that homemade all-natural organic cleanser.”
Tried to feed the baby some vegetable puree so tasted it to show her it’s good…and immediately ordered a pizza for us both
[at the dentist]
him: come and lie on the chair
me: ok
him: not face down
if this isn’t a simulation then how does my cat know exactly where i’m going when i’m carrying something heavy
I own a lot of cleaning supplies for someone whose friends inscribed “dust me” on my coffee table recently.
– Twitter Closing inactive accounts
– Google Closing Inactive accounts
– Internet Archive & Wayback Machine Under Attack
– Nintendo going after Emulators
I’m starting to see a pattern. Now would be the time to back up ANYTHING you have not secured locally.
ME: Is it true, if you die in the Matrix, you die in real life?
USED CAR SALESMAN: Again, the Toyota Matrix is a very real car, and crashes can be fatal, yes
Me: (checks Duolingo to see if there’s a lesson plan to learn the new weird slang my middle school kid uses unironically on a regular basis)
bored gunna start making up careers: milk sommelier, door to door toothbrush salesman, Sponge repairman, host of america’s funniest sex tapes, Secretary of toiletries, train model, chief executive dysfunction officer, president of a university, pig jockey, salt tester, underwater
Replying to peoples selfies with the phone number to a dermatologist is not OK.
I’ll stop now.