Head Chef: You’re fired.
Me: Is it because when I grate cheese-
Head Chef: Yes it’s because you call it shreddie cheddie.
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them: do you promise to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth, so help you god?
me: finger quotes sure
Me: Can you hear me?
4: No.
Me: I need for you to pick up your legos, please.
4: But I can’t hear you.
Me: You can, you’re answering me.
4: (crying) No, I can’t!
Gaslighting is starting at a young age over here.
Girls, get your abortions NOW in case the Republicans win
been making the same muffin recipe forever and tonight I finally remembered it by heart. I can’t express how good it felt to know exactly what to do and how disgusting they tasted because I forgot the eggs.
That toddler on a leash at the mall might be an unstoppable killing machine. You really don’t know.
Ugh I can’t stand him. I’m not gonna go into it but let me just say this…
[40 min later]
…and you should see the way he ties his shoes, I hope he dies
Got asked to be godfather of my niece, so if anything happens to her parents then someone else has to take care of her because I said no
[Invention of Tennis]
“…and you just try to hit it back to me”
Wow, that’s really simple
“Yeah, I wanted it to be very straightforward”
For sure that’s the best part about it
“Uncomplicated, you know what I mean?”
Exactly! No weird stuff
“Yeah”
So how do you keep score?
Password insecurity questions:
1. What was your highschool nickname? 2. How would you describe your breath? 3. What’s wrong with your toes?
god: awful nice planet you got there
earth: thanks
god: it’d be a shame if someone…
earth: please don’t
god: created humanity
Gang Leader: If you wanna join, you need to prove you’re fearless
Me: People ask me to social events and I actually go
Gang Leader: *takes step back* holy shit
GIRL: daddy look it’s a killer whale
WHALE: for your information I’m only a suspect at this point
Priest: Body of Christ..
Gordon Ramsay: Dry.
“Yogurt!”
Gurt: “Yes?”
Name a cuter carnivore than a penguin. I’ll wait.
Excluding leopards sleeping high in tree branches. Or fossa. And meerkats, obviously.
Okay so name an aquatic carnivore that’s cuter. Ha! You can’t. Except maybe otters and baby sea turtles I guess, you know what, forget it.
doctor: open up
me: it all started when my dad left
doctor: and say ahh
me: oh
doctor: no, “ahh”
You don’t know your own leg strength until you’re kicking the end of a Hotel tucked bed sheet
kidnappers: get in the car
me: i want to sit in front
Superheroes come from broken homes & inattentive parents.
Parents, stop hugging your kids. We need a Batman.
Welcome to your forties, you’re now wondering why younger people are so dumb
I don’t want to speculate about the royal baby’s name, but I’m pretty sure it will start with #.
I feel for any dog who’s owned by a homeless guy. The poor pooch must be thinking “Where does this guy live, we’ve been walking for 3 years”
First they came for the people who say “Awesome sauce,” and I said nothing, because, frankly, those people deserve it.
I just found a human tooth and a pair of underwear in my purse. I might be a serial killer or I might be a mom, you’ll never know.
make sure you check your drugs for candy tonight
the beatles: all you need is love
haddaway: I have a question
recently at a party i overheard someone start a sentence with “i actually remember being born” and i just put down my drink and left
Breaking news:
walking into gamestop smoking a cigar to announce that i own $60 of stock and i demand they add garfield to super smash bros