I broke my tool for painting Easter decorations. I’m having an egg shell stencil crisis.
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can’t talk my ride’s here
Wife and daughter are doing a Friends marathon. It’s on 24/7.
No one told me life was gonna be this way.
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years, I was getting out of a bean bag chair.
I bet Sauron would be a lot more respected if he had a monocle.
As I rise from my slumber the children scream in horror, as they did not know I was in the McDonald’s Playland ball pit
here is what. i plan to accomplish today:
2. bark loudly. but at nothing
7. lose my ball under the couch
7b. politely ask the human. to get my ball
3. immediately lose it again. under the same couch
4. big nap. you have worked hard
2. repeat
I go under the police tape, approach the chalk outlined body, and flash my subway sandwich card.
“Ok what do we got here?”
I’m at this weird place in my life right now where I’m being chased by police helicopters
i asked myself if i was crazy and we all said no stop playin w me
when someone is trying to explain crypto to me for the third time and i’m trying to imagine their death in the most super-creative way possible
Someone asked me what I was doing this weekend and I panicked at the thought of making plans so I said I was doing my taxes
BREAKING NEWS:
Sting has been kidnapped.The Police have no lead.
If you are farther than me in candy crush I will automatically think you are smarter than me.
my youngest started kindergarten today and I cried but mostly for his teachers
New Neighbor: Hi, I’m Derek; I moved in downstairs.
Me: I’m Spencer; I’ll be looking in your window and judging your decorating choices.
T NOW! what do we want? MORE TIME-TRAVEL JOKES! when do we want them? RIGH
Some say Obama is the biggest liar of all time..
I say, the person who chose the spelling of, “Colonel” is the biggest liar of all time
*fills the ice tray once*
I’M THE ONLY ONE WHO DOES ANYTHING IN THIS PLACE
I’m being attacked 😭
FRIEND: our kids are away with their grandparents so I’m taking my wife out tonight
ME: oh wow, like with an assassin or are you gonna do it yourself?
FRIEND: um, like…to dinner
ME: cool, cool
“What do your tattoos mean?” They mean I can sit still for a long time
2003: I am going to be the best mom ever.
2017: My kids will probably need therapy because of me.
After being raised on Disney movies I’m very disappointed how few adult problems can be solved by a good song and dance
You say “premarital sex” like there’s postmarital sex
We made fun of recipe bloggers for including stories but now online recipes are actual hell. It used to be a cute story about a trip to Italy but now you have to search through “17 techniques for chopping garlic” and “8 tools you could use for garlic chopping (Amazon links included)” and 12 ads to MAYBE find the recipe.
I act really tough for a person who spent $40 on cookies I dont like because a girl scout was crying
Whenever bands ask me for examples of a “good press photo” I send them this
Always a bridesmaid never a vengeful ghost in a glowing fog.
TIN MAN: I want a heart
COWARDLY LION: And I want courage
ZOMBIE: Braaaaains
ACTOR PLAYING COWARDLY LION: W-wait. Where the hell’d Ray go?