[after recapturing an escaped convict]
sheriff: “congratulations on your absquatulation from prison but its time to go back to the slammer”
convict:
deputy *feels for a pulse*: “sheriff, hes absquatulated!”
sheriff: “we really need separate Word of the Day calendars”
You Might Also Like
STOP KILLING CHEETAHS TO MAKE CHEETOS
We gave DanceBot a machete as a joke. No one could have predicted the rhythmic horror that came next.
Really wish my phone wouldn’t autocorrect my old timey piano slang. Had to explain to my mom that I didn’t spend all morning “tickling the ovaries”.
Them: Writers are birthing bravery.
Me, a writer: Can I have an epidural please?
I’ve been misusing the term “sunk cost fallacy” for years but it’s too late to stop now.
Me [trying to get respect from my family after eating 12 hotdogs] how many more hotdogs do I need to eat before you respect me?
Mom: we just want you to get a job. Give me the *sound of a struggle* hotdogs
[interrogation]
“Where were you on the night of the 5th?”
“Dealing drugs.”
“Louder for the tape?”
[leans in]
“Healing pugs. I’m a pug vet.”
Me: hi. I’m maddie. I’m ready to overeat, anonymously
Overeaters Anonymous leader: you’ve misunderstood
i always see couples holding hands but how do you become part of a couple? do you just leave your hand out and if someone holds it, you’re a couple
Seductively rubs salt in your wound.
[Texting]
Him: Hey babe, what’re you wearing?
Me: *naked pooping* ummm…nothing
Him: That’s hot
“DADDY THERE’S A MONSTER UNDER MY BED”
[me opening bedroom window]
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: *climbing out* ARE YOU COMING OR NOT?
When you’re Kinky but poor
Airport beers are great because it means you are traveling and also that you hate your own money
My brain forces me to relive traumatic moments over and over and over and over, but it won’t tell me where I left my laptop charger.
You think you found a parking spot and then boom. Kia damn Soul.
Audi is coming out with a bigger SUV that seats twenty.
It’s the new Audi Torium.
People that tell us what sex gods they are..what do you want us to do with that information?
Show me someone who says they’ve traveled to the four corners of the earth and I will show you someone who’s failed geometry and geography.
The boss accused me of taking a drink during lunch, but he is completely mistaken, I paid for all three of them.
Well, that didn’t work.
Another previously unknown dinosaur was the Thesaurus who used flowery language to confuse and disorient predators while he made his escape
My days of chasing men are now over.
I chase ice cream trucks now.
i wonder what my cat is thinking about when she sits curled up at my feet staring at me for hours and sharpening her hattori hanzo sword
[first day as a human being] wow there are a lot of us, this seems promising 🙂 it appears that we’re all in this togeth-
I asked my 13-year-old what time I need to pick her up tonight. She told me to check the practice schedule she already gave me. That’s the kid version of “as per my last email.”
[confession booth]
me: *sneezes*
priest: I’m not falling for that one again dan
Magneto spent his high school years dating girls with braces.
isaac newtown got hit in the head & invented calculus. i broke my nose last night when I was drunk & invented a louder version of crying.
My teacher always hated my answers to her math questions. “If I have 6 candy bars in one hand and 7 in the other, what do I have?” Diabetes?