If two wrongs don’t make a right, I might as well try for three.
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I take advice from crows because their core strategy of screaming at things and flying away really tracks.
#SaturdayVibes Never forget #BishopSycamore: The fake high school that tricked ESPN into airing their games. 😭🏈📺
Zimbabweans have dismissed Mugabe rumour saying
“Mugabe cannot have a heart attack. He doesnt have a heart.”
interviewer: why do u want this job
me: i’m passionate about being able to pay my rent
dad: I can’t find my glasses, can you read what this says for me?
me: “Dad do you want to go to Home Depot”
dad: [voice catching] Sure son
6: Dad, let’s make a deal. Let me be in charge of everything, and I’ll let you have 10 coffees a day, also you can have…
Me: Sold!
David Attenborough: The faster antelope species always keep their slower cousins, the cantaloupe, nearby to throw under the feet of predators to trip them thus creating a hilarious pile up on the savannah.
Volunteer firefighter battles a house fire until 2 am and still goes to work at 6am.
Me: Wakes up at 7 am and contemplates whether to use a smiling or grinning emoji.
I watched someone give a Starbucks Unicorn Frappuccino to a homeless woman. She took one sip and threw it in the trash.
I’m as hard to open up as a grocery store produce bag.
From now on I’m gonna tell guests that I made my house especially messy, just for their visit, it was hard but I got it done
I am eternally grateful that Twitter doesn’t have an “is online now” indicator
I just got hit head on by a crazy women riding a menstrual cycle.
In France they call Mr. Bean Monsieur Legume
One thing I have noticed about getting older is having to stop for a short nap halfway through scrolling down to my year of birth when completing online forms.
I just want to be as carefree as the parents who opt for the light interior color options in their cars.
It’s not called “Laura the Explorer” because if a little white girl gets lost in the woods, CNN shows up with the FBI.
doctor: drugs have destroyed your body
me: you should see the other guy
doctor: what other guy
me: only i can see him
People keep asking if they can help me by watching my newborn. She doesn’t make me watch cocomelon, leave toys all over the floor, or scream that her brother is looking at the her. Take the older two.
My parents would hide fruit roll ups on top of the refrigerator where I couldn’t reach them. And leave chemicals under the sink.
Someone just followed me and their bio said they were born in the year 2000 and I was like, “OKAY YEAH SURE, so you’re 3?” and then I realized that the year 2000 was 19 years ago and I am an old person.
I just did my own taxes for the first time and I’m glad I did because I’m getting 8 million dollars back this year!
I don’t understand wishing dead celebrities happy birthday. Shoutout to Mary Queen of Scots, who would be 577 today.
Of course introverts lie, how do you think we get jobs.
WIFE: remember to pick him up at 5
ME: ok
[later]
ME: [dropping 3-year-old son off at daycare] see ya in 2 years, bud
Your “COEXIST” sticker inspired me to slip a Madagascar hissing cockroach through your car window at the mall. Peace.
What about a haunted doll that reminds you to take your birth control
“You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take,” I whisper to myself as I hit send on that sixth unanswered text
No, I would NEVER put you on mute
Could u imagine you send ur son off to professor Xs school thinkin he has a better life now, you look on the tv and juggernaut just threw him into a building lmfaoooooo