The difference between just buying your teenage son some food on the way home and texting him to ask what he wants is approximately $30.
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Met a guy from Iraq today who grew a full beard as I was meeting him.
ME: What does synonym mean?
MY MOM: It’s another word for something[Later on date]
ME: You wanna get synonym from the dessert menu, Sharon?
wife: I should have never let you take that morse code class
me: shhh *listening to the hail hit our roof* the storm is talking to me
In Seattle, there’s a code that states when two people are walking towards each other, the one with the bigger coffee cup passes first.
*Me as a detective*
Me: Who’s the victim?
Cop:
M: Who is it?
C: No jokes please, promise?
M: Ok, promise.
C: A tarot reader.
M:
C:
M: Well, I guess a long life for her..
C: Please don’t.
M: ..just wasn’t in the cards.
I think we as a society can hold two thoughts at same time a) almost anyone can be scammed + b) a financial advice columnist falling for an “Amazon rep” connecting you to “the CIA” who tells you to put 50k in unmarked bills in a shoebox to toss in a car and tell no one in wild
It’s a sad day when you find out there’s a hot person behind a cartoon avi.
waiter: what would you like?
me: maybe the steak
waiter: and what about the duck?
duck: I’ll have the steak too
Me: Have you showered & brushed your teeth?
16: Stop bullying me.
“As a creative person I’m often asked where I get my ideas.” Yeah. As a creative person you often imagine people doing that but they don’t.
The opposite of self-deprecating humor is accounting.
Instead of making jokes at your own expense, you makes jokes about other people’s expenses.
#AccountingDay #RubbishJokes
Dear parents who line up 45 minutes early in the school pick-up line,
I don’t understand.
I can already feel that the day is going to seize me instead of the other way around
I think it’s sad that getting married is one of the only ways to guarantee somebody will be forced to make a speech about how great you are
Nice try, horror movies, but the scariest thing I’ve ever seen is still a 4-year-old holding a sharpie without the cap.
There’s no suspense in Young Sheldon. You know he’s not going to die
I just bought a new pair of sunglasses for whoever finds them in 3 weeks.
If you don’t have at least 1 hot neighbor then the hot neighbor is you
If she didn’t reply to any of your 20 texts, she probably doesn’t have good cell service. Definitely don’t stop texting her
Quit college. Become an oven. Get up to like 500 degrees.
my 4yo has started saying the phrase “calm down” and it works as well on me as it does on him
16: this guy in gym today said he had a chest infection
Me: did he say if it was it Chestually Transmitted?
16: I’m sorry I tell you anything
Me: he should be refraining from Chestual activity
Nurse: What happened to your FINGERS?
Me: You know those chefs who cut up vegetables real fast?
N: Yes?
M: I can’t do that.
Mom said I should only date “a good man” and I was like HEAVENS TO BETSY I WISH I HAD KNOWN THIS PERTINENT INFORMATION BEFORE NOW.
Sex tip: if you get bored you can always end the sex simply by saying “I have ejaculated.”
1st Kid: spends 6 weeks sewing perfect costume
2nd Kid: *cuts holes in an old NKOTB beach towel* just say you’re an 80’s ghost or some shit
[if my cat tweeted]
When “over 38” is sad and missing her boyfriend, I try and cheer her up by peeing on her shoes and puking on her phone.
Nothing’s more important than family, particularly if your kidneys are starting to fail.
Me: *Chivalrously places jacket on a puddle so the lady won’t step in it*
Woman whose water just broke: Please just call 911