I’m glad that Costco checks receipts when you leave because I don’t want to live in a world where someone gets away with stealing 1500 Ritz crackers
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journalist: is it true that youre attracted to inanimate objects?
me: [lips on mic] that is a false allegation [lips get closer to mic]
Valentine’s Day is all about punching people in the heart.
Farmers who aren’t pro tractors, what’s your angle?
me: *easily carrying 20 grocery bags* hi 😉
her: are those empty
The year is 2020. Hip hop has fully merged with dubstep, creating the genre of music known as Dubhop. All hope for mankind is lost
I’ve never related to a meme more in my life #gradschool
mfs take one picture in a suit then start posting quotes about success, just go to the wedding bro
me: you take my breath away!
scuba instructor: sir, just give me the tank
My hometown is so charming. Everyone’s got the spirit animal of gum stuck under the diner table
I’ve got to go guys. Yesterday I bought a new shampoo that’s supposed to change my life.
If I have 5 apples and I give you 2 of them, just take the other 3 cause I’m going out for tacos
13 year old me: Mom says to always respect my elders.
33 year old me: You’re out of your damn mind if you think I’m taking orders from you, Aunt Janice, you Hufflepuff piece of shit.
For Sale: Wedding Suit, worn only once by mistake..
A slice of pie in the Bahamas is $2.00, in Jamaica it’s $2.50.
These are the pie rates of the Caribbean.
Him: I like powerful women.
Me: Gotcha.
*dresses up as a rhino*
I’m no sadist. Some of my best friends are sad.
Just like Hitler with the tiny mustache, Kim Jong-Un is ruining that haircut for everyone else.
Things were going well with my date, until she noticed my Roomba was a Frisbee glued to a bunch of rats
11.45: Arrived at crime scene
11.45: Examined body. Signs of a struggle
11.45: Found murder weapon in drain
11.45: Realised watch was broken
Don’t give me instructions to your place that have words like “eastward” or “kilometres” and then get mad when I don’t show up
My 5 year old was looking at the meerkats in the zoo amazed and I said “aren’t they so cute” and he was like “I want to cook the babies and make soup.”
how come you never see animal cruelty people protesting turtlenecks?
if god isn’t real then where did I get this PS5 from hmm? That’s right I stole it from Kevin while he was at church THANKS JESUS
[first day as a chiropractor]
assistant: all your patients are complaining
me: I mean…it’s my first day, I’m still trying to get the hang of it
assistant: ok, but do you really have to sing “baby got back” every time?
(team meeting)
boss: i’ve always had a no nonsense, take no prisoners approach to…excuse me but what’s with all the looks of disdain?
me: what? oh yeah…since we dropped the mask mandate, it’s difficult to remember that my face isn’t covered.
boss:
LIFE HACK: Tired of the neighbors’ noisy kids playing in front of your house? Sign up for the sex offender registry
(When someone insults something you like.)
“Sources?? In triplicate! My honor demands nothing less!”
(When someone insults something you hate.)
“This RandomUser654788433 fellow certainly makes good points.”
I’ve been married for about 45 lbs.
Me: [fails Captcha test]
Captcha: haha goptcha
Small blessings, like when the mirror fogs up and you can’t see yourself when you get out of the shower, naked.