Me: haha should I get out and push
Everyone on The Submarine: YES
You Might Also Like
HEY YOU WANNA GO FOR A RIDE IN MY TRUCK BABY. NO I WANNA GO TO YOUR HOUSE. MEET YOUR WIFE. MAYBE SHE WANTS TO COME WITH?
Me: *whispering to husband* you are looking really hot in your suit. I’m surprised no one has hit on you
Husband: well you’re here with me
Me: oh yeah
Husband: and we’re at a funeral
my husband told me that i kept making really irritated expressions when he would say things and he was like “good lord WHY do you look so annoyed??????” and it was then that i realized that my botox has worn off đ
If you add a touch of olive oil to your pan of kale, it will help slide it into the garbage.
A dying fire will always attract a dad with a stick who will poke it twice and say, “…that should do it.”
I wonder if my girlfriend jenniferbobmarklayla4362774463564636688 survived the bot purge?
Y’all think a holey cow makes swiss cheese?
Ladies, if you receive flowers with no card on them today theyâre from me.
pirate: walk the plank
me: ok but i donât have a leash lol
pirate: *drops sword* dad?
I get pissed if Alexa doesnât understand my commands with a mouthful of mashed potatoes.
(I am 6 months pregnant)
Me after ordering my coffee:
Stranger at Starbucks: you know you should be drinking decaf when youâre pregnant.
Me: Iâm… not pregnant.
Stranger: (horrified) I am so, so sorry!
And thatâs what you get for giving unsolicited advice.
“I decided I wanted to be a ninja so I googled “Ninja School”, followed the link and the page could not be found. Well played, Ninja School”
You can tell which inmates were involved in organized crime because their cells are much neater than other prisoners’
Sure the Lego botanical sets are great but dusting them is another story.
i finally quit drinking for good
now i drink for evil
A good rule is to check the recall list before opening a bag of romaine lettuce. Check it again after making the salad. Check once more tableside.
Kid: Can we pleeease stop for ice cream?
Mom: What did I just say?!?
Kid: Don’t you remember?
ChatGPTâs primary use is to generate plausible excuses to leave dinner at the in-lawsâ.
A computer game where you go back in time with a gun to kill Adam; it’s a first person shooter.
Trump assures Abe that he supports Japan 100%!
“I mean, I saw Godzilla like, 7 times!” says Trump.
The struggle is real! 𤣠#Cats #CatsofTwittter
The same plot as the Matrix, only the Matrix runs Windows.
The system crashes on its own.
The human race is saved by shitty programming.
*Watching a commercial where someone is rock climbing*
*Do not attempt flashes across the screen*
Me: *hasnât left the couch in 12 hours*
âOkay.â
Frigginâ narcs ruin everything
My kids are running fevers and fell asleep on either side of me so now I know how it feels to roast like a gas station hot dog.
If it wasn’t for the 140 character limit, I’d be on Chapter 27 of my first tweet right now.
The zombie I shot earlier may have just been a kid with chapped lips. I don’t take any chances.
Two people behind me on the bus sound like they might be on a first date.
Him: What kind of restaurant do you fancy?
Her: Anywhere with a good vegan option.
Long pause.
Him: Cool.
Her: So, what do you do?
Him: Iâm. A butcher.
If my skinny friend keeps complaining that sheâs fat, I may have to throw one of my breakfast donuts at her.
People are surprised that Iâm nice. Like yea I am fat and suck at sex, I have to be nice.