Me, when there’s an errand that lets me leave the house when everyone is acting crazy:
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You know…for fall…
Note for writers:
If your characters are on the run from the law, they are “on the lam,” not “on the lamb.” Unless of course they happen to be escaping the cops by riding baby sheep to freedom.
GIRLFRIEND: I’m breaking up with you.
ME: Is it because in December I dress my pet pig in red and call it Hamta Claus?
HER: Yes. Yes it is.
My resume reads like an oddly formatted apology letter
Saw a grown man riding down the street on a BMX.
I yelled what does BMX stand for?
He replied “DUI”.
This year for Mothers Day, I’d just like all the charging cables back that my kids have stollen from me
Just been banned from my church’s Easter service.
Apparently the first words Jesus spoke after emerging from his tomb weren’t “Ta-Daa!”
who called it a chinese finger trap and not a digit fidget widget?
[me talking to someone one year younger than me]
listen, kid…
Me: Opposite of Ladyfinger should be Mentos.
Grocery store clerk: *into walkie talkie* Security? He’s back!
Why are they called fireflies and not Bugs Lightrear?
When my wife packs for a trip she basically moves out.
This aging app is really getting people’s hopes up that the world will still be here when they’re old
6y/o: “Mom, can I brush your hair?”
Me: “Well, you don’t really brush curly hair, but…that’s fine.”
6y/o, after spending 40 minutes brushing my hair: *puts the hood of my sweatshirt over my hair* “That’s better. Just keep that on.”
Me: I need to know where you are at all times. If you go somewhere new, text me. Understand?
Taco truck driver: Okay.
Me: So I’ll see you Friday?
Friend: I can’t wait!
Me: FINE THEN FORGET IT
When you’re on the third Zoom meeting of the day and decide you’re just gonna go ahead and eat your lunch and people can just deal with it.
The strongest muscle in the human body is the tongue. Keep that in mind next time you find yourself in a scuffle.
“Clue” is a board game about people trapped in a house and one of them is a homicidal maniac who has just killed. Ages 8 and up.
i shouldn’t have written “never change” in all those boys’ yearbooks in high school, seems like some of them took my advice
I’m so jealous that I did not write this pun!!
and now a text from my mom:
are you okay??? you didn’t like my fb post about making jam, so I got worried
Good vacation so far, aside from the faceless man telling us “You will never leave this island.”
Why couldn’t I have been born rich instead of so ridiculously witty?
They should make halloween albums like they do for Christmas. I’d love to hear a Michael Bublé version of Monster Mash.
(Creating the platypus)
God: Make that beaver think a duck is sexy and then they, *hip thrusts*
Angel: What?
God: You know *hip thrusts*
This is a bargain. I’ve always paid at least $5.
Good luck to all of the parents whose kids will be eating their Easter candy and won’t be going to bed until Tuesday night.
(Age 22)
*chugs bottle of water*
Let’s shoot some more hoops!(Age 42)
*chugs bottle of water*
I gotta pee.
Get your kindergartener a watch so you know what time it is every minute you are together for at least a week please tell me it’s not longer than a week