You Might Also Like
Earth, 1980: please stop emitting so much carbon dioxide
People: lol nah
Earth, 2020: HEY REMEMBER WHEN I ASKED NICELY LOL
Therapist: You try too hard to get people to like you
Me: [painting her toenails] I need a “for instance”
burglar tip: do NOT steal the clear freezer gemstones they’ll melt in ur pockets & make it look like u peed urself all ur friends will laugh
If you love someone, poison them a little bit each day. If they don’t suspect you at all, they might be the ONE.
My son is taking a bartending class at college so I think I’m finally going to start seeing a return on my investment.
I wish I was 7’9″ so my BMI would be normal
“hey! so sorry for the delay on this!”
– me praying for the first time in over a decade
….. and then there are people that call their chihuahuas “Cujo”
Protip: If a coworker tells you they had a dream about good versus evil, don’t ask which one were they.
calling dibs, but dibs never calls me back 🙁
Me: I’ll take Glinda the Good Witch because I love shoes, Ursula the Sea Witch so she could silence annoying people for me, and Maleficent because I love to sleep.
Genie: But that’s not…eh, never mind, your witches are granted.
Twitter is composed of all the kids who used to giggle in sex ed
Wait one second “Mario Brothers” Implies that Luigi’s name is Luigi Mario and Mario’s name is Mario Mario….What is this I’m smoking again?
*gets to hell*
[In earshot of Satan] I HATE ICE CREAM AND WATCHING TV, DAMN THAT WOULD BE REAL TORTURE FOR ME. OH AND BEER, I ALSO HATE BEER
Is Fergie totally done spelling stuff? Because “mischievous” sometimes stumps me and I’d appreciate a song about it.
Me on the toilet: HEY I NEED SOME TOILET PAPER
6: *running around dressed like a mummy* we’re all out
Me: Now that you’re in kindergarten, you’re going work on being a good citizen to your classmates. Do you know what that means?
My 5YO: Yeah like don’t swear at them and don’t punch them.
Me: … yeah, pretty much
My husband is outside talking to people. Tonight, he will be outside sleeping.
[Murderer enters my bedroom]
Murderer: murdering time!
Me: not today murderer (safely positions entire body under covers)
Murderer: SON OF A
No trip to Home Depot is complete without at least two more trips to Home Depot for what you didn’t know you needed to buy the first time.
I’m going to donate these clothes I don’t wear anymore to charity after I drive them around in the trunk of my car for eight months.
We’re finally out of lockdown!!!
Spare a thought for Melbourne waxing business on Wednesday morning. They gonna see some scary shit.
GIRLFRIEND: If you’re asked to say grace at Thanksgiving again this year, what do you say?
ME: Thank you Lord for the food we are about to receive.
HER: And what do you not say?
ME: *sigh* Wham bam thank you yams.
If I ignore life will it go away?
Meet me in the bedroom.. bring the gravy boat.
Don’t make this weird…
I wear my tattoos on the inside. Ever since having discount back surgery from a guy named “Spider.”
Really enjoyed rearranging my onions into a different position this morning for half an hour. Huge day for us.
I told my wife Netflix is voice enabled and listening to her scream “I’M STILL HERE!” repeatedly at the TV is maybe the greatest thing ever.
What is going on here?
Is Rudolph using a magnifying glass to turn his nose into a raygun?
And who is the reindeer brandishing the cane?
“How about if I put a balloon over it? Would you touch it then?”
-guy who invented condoms