Am I religious? Not really.
Am I praying nobody else pukes tonight? Lord yes.
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My 3yo niece wants dead grapes.
Raisins, she wants raisins.
I’d like to say I have a yoga body, but it’s really more of a Yoda body.
Resist all the cheese, I can’t.
What did the Wise Men say after presenting their gold and frankincence???
Wait, there’s myrrh!!!
How am I supposed to sleep now that I’ve realized 125 people have watched a video of me drunkenly making nachos?
…. And they didn’t even like it.
Took an edible and got so nervous on this flight that I started petting someone else’s service dog.
If I ever die in my sleep it won’t be in my bed. It’ll be in a meeting.
What do you call a man who thinks women are easy to lie to?
Deceased
is there anything more psychotic than the self-imposed deadline. why am i bullying myself then in turn standing up to my bully (who is me) by not doing the work i know i want to get done but i refuse to be bullied (by me) so i will purposefully miss the deadline (that is fake)
I know it’s impossible to keep kids from screaming when they play outside but I wish there was some way to teach them the difference between “WE ARE HAVING A FUN GAME!” Screaming and “WE ARE BEING BRUTALLY MURDERED!” Screaming
3 just informed the cashier at Target, that mommy has a tiny mustache in her underwear.
So the weekend is off to a great start.
Some Olympians have been training since they were 5.
I’m hoping my 6yo comes home from summer camp today with 2 shoes on.
[Date]
Me: how about a drink? get whatever floats your boat
Her: thanks! i’ll have a mai tai
Me: *glaring* you float a boat with water karen
If you’re planning a family vacation to a destination that has beautiful ocean views and is kid friendly, make sure you don’t.
According to my wife’s new feng shui consultant, I need to move out.
Me: *walks up to Walgreens cashier with a pack of condoms* Excuse me, where are your fitting rooms?
*whips out tampon*
“Now weigh me”
Still disappointed that the only hard thing in my bed lately has been my mattress.
Drank two Monster Energy drinks and started my car by screaming at it.
Him: I think we should see other people
Me: *eating a cheese ball like an apple* why
I’m the cutest thing since sliced kittens.
I had two naps today but every time I wake up I’m still at work.
Born again? No thanks. One trip down the birth canal was enough.
Today I tended my livestock (took the dog to the groomers), rescued wildlife (a turtle in the road), worked to put bread on the table (wrote shit copy for stupid clients), and then tilled my fields (spread mulch). Not braggin’, but I think I would have made a great pioneer wife.
I find so much of my wife’s hair in the shower, I stashed some silver bullets in the nightstand. Just in case.
listerine whitening mouthwash is just purple shampoo for teeth
Any time my wife brings up home renovations I just mention installing a urinal and suddenly we’re not talking about home renovations any more
Step outside your comfort zone to plan a play date for your kid with a parent you’ve never met before and endure an hour of small talk in 40 degree weather (because indoor play dates are too risky) only to have your kid ask “and now what?” the second they get back home.
Nothing but love for the older woman who saw her husband staring at two people screaming at each other in the grocery store parking lot, said “mind your business, Morty,” before looking at me, thirty feet away, and saying, “you too.”
Boss: What are you doing?
Me: Paperwork and shit
Boss: It looks like you’re on your phone
Me: I said “and shit”
Hi, I’m pleased to announce that I’ve arrived just in time to make everything worse