Genuinely no idea what to expect here.
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My life coach: So what would you like to see happen this year?
Me: Kangaroos being allowed to fight in the UFC
Life coach: I will literally pay you to not come here anymore.
My youngest kid quit liking cheese, so now I have to eat it for the both of us
Instead of saying “I’ll use the wheelchair ramp,” I like to say “I’m hitting the slopes.”
No parenting books prepared me for the exhaustion of constantly being excited about the mundane stuff that blows my 4 year old’s mind. Wow, a red pen! Wow, our cat! Wow, a slice of cheese with holes in it!
Excited for Game of Thrones tonight because it’ll be nice to see civilized political discourse for a change.
My phone dies, freeing me from my prison. I look up at the world. Deer live in my house.
Some guys look classy carrying a flask. I look like a degenerate alcoholic, I dunno, maybe it’s my trackpants. Who’s house is this?
me: i’m late
boss: again?
me: it’s yours
My boss asked me why I’m late, apparently answering “because your wife wouldn’t let me get out of bed” just gets you sent to HR.
My kids can’t play at your house because they might begin to think laundry doesn’t live on the couch.
Me: how old is your daughter?
Person: she’s 31 months
Me: ok but like how old in minutes?
Her: Did you know that there are fifteen different ways to say the word “whore” in Polish?
Me: What a beautiful language…
Foal me once, I have a baby horse. Foal me twice, no one needs this many baby horses. Foal me thrice, please stop. I have no room for them.
*Pulls up to drive-thru window*
“Extra toilet paper please”
Do you mean napkins?
“Sure, whatever”
The strangest thing happened. A coworker who always says, “Living the dream” was mysteriously stabbed 37 times in the neck with my car keys.
I’ve been married to my husband for 16 years and just learned he doesn’t like ice cream cones. What in the hell have we been talking about all this time?
everybody’s a toughguy until they have to use a screwdriver overhead for two minutes
Sorry I’m late, I was combing granola bar out of my daughter’s hair for 25 minutes
why do birds
sudenly appear
every time
you are near
and how do u
always manage
to fit that many
birds in ur mouth
to begin with
My wife left me by doing the “stairs behind the sofa” thing and never came back
me: 11 can you come here
11: am i in trouble?
me: …no…but…should you be?
11: no.
me: sus.
According to tinder, every guy is at a lake holding a fish & every girl is on top of a mountain & that’s why it’s so tragically hard to meet
My coworkers are trying to talk me into doing a Polar Plunge. If I want to be doused into freezing cold water I’ll just have someone flush while I’m taking a shower.
God: let’s make their hands able to become cups so they can drink
Angel: that’s pretty cool
G: but only a little bit
A: ooookaaaayy…
G: and they’re leaky as hell
A: there it is
A new study found the safest city to travel to is Tokyo, Japan. Unless, of course, you’re a dolphin.
My son glared over his happy meal box at my husband and said sternly, ‘this time no taking taxis please.’
He meant taxes. As in the Dad Fry Tax.
Asked my son if he could go anywhere in the world, where would he go? He said, McDonald’s. I said no, like a country. He said, OHHHH okay…McDonald’s in Japan.
Why are sloths one of the 7 deadly sins? Those little guys don’t hurt anybody. They just chill all day.
My son cried when I gave him his breakfast this morning. I made him scrambled eggs, covered them in ketchup & told him it was Humpty Dumpty.
What idiot called it chicken broth when you’re sick and not pharmasoupicals?