Piss me off in the grocery store and I’ll get in front of you in the checkout line and pay for a single tomato with a personal check.
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*holding huge scissors*
I hereby declare The Factory That Makes High Voltage Wires That Look Like Ceremonial Ribbons officially open for-
Can’t sleep because I keep finding exciting opportunities to get pissed off.
Twenty bucks to anyone who shows up at my funeral, leans into the casket and says “You okay buddy? Do you want to go get some ice cream?”
My diet plan consists of multiple naps.
Because you can’t stuff your face when you’re sleeping.
My son’s default mode is “protester being dragged out of a political rally.”
Boss: Any final questions for our applicant?
Sphinx: *eyes blazing like searchlights* Three sons have I and-
Boss: WORK-related questions
On all dating sites, my profile name is Chupacabra, and my profile picture is a Chupacabra, which surprisingly does not deter men at all.
I’ve seen the bass pro shop guy naked more than I have myself.
I like telling car salesmen “Listen, we both know I’m not here to buy a car” and trying to figure out what it is they think I’m there to do
Quick question for the medical professionals, should my blood glucose number be higher or lower than the mileage on my 6-year-old car
Happy St. Paddy’s Day, everyone. I stayed in tonight. I’m not allowed to go out on St. Paddy’s Day anymore. It’s too much.
“Are you good and hard for me yet?”
– me boiling eggs
Got invited to a pool party tomorrow , time to dig out the ol’ leopard print Speedo
“Will he ever wake up?”
He’s been in a coma for 3 weeks but watch this. *starts playing Pitbull*
*patient wakes up to turn off the music*
I’ve got a couple of eyebrow hairs that want me to be a villain.
A homeless guy asked me “would you give me $5 for a sandwich?”
I said “I don’t know man, show me the sandwich first.”
If there’s anything more exhausting than having a face-to-face conversation with another human being I’ve yet to find it.
Name’s Bond. James Bond. *Drinks martini* Jame’s Bond. Names Bond. *drinks another martini* Bame’s Jond. *Drinks 1 more* THIS IS MY SONG WOO
Well hello, “Party-Size” bag of Doritos. Welcome to my party! There will be no other guests.
Standing closer to me in line will not get you to the checkout faster.
A cropped version of my wind turbines cartoon seems to be doing the rounds. It’s by me, if you see it.
she wears short skirts, I get steamed up
she’s cheer captain and I’m a little teapot
OMG you guys!! I have abs
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…olutely no desire to give up tacos and beer.
Sometimes you just need to dance naked in the kitchen. The manager at this Burger King seems to feel differently though.
Wife: you’re drunk
Me: no’m not
Wife: I’M JUST A POOR BOY NOBODY LOVES ME
Me: HE JURSTA PRO BROY FUMMA FLOOR FLAMLEE
Wife:
Me: ok lil bit
Husband: I’m going to take kids to do something fun today so you can relax.
Me: sounds awesome!
H: Will you get them ready for me?
There are 2 kinds of people in this world:
1. People who aren’t good with numbers
At first I was decayed, I was putrefied,
Kept thinking I could never live without formaldehyde…
I never made it as a firefighter. I thought arsonists were people who hated arson, so every time we met one I thanked him for his support
In every successful relationship the MAN always has the last word – “Yes Dear.”