[kicks in your door to apologize to you]
You Might Also Like
Jeff Bezos this morning:
“Alexa, end my marriage”
I’ve had so much cough medicine and this has me in tears
My mispronunciation of French words is a touché subject.
I went upstairs to grab my charger I brushed my hair, picked up some dirty clothes, changed my sons diaper, put on deodorant, came back downstairs, vacuumed the entire first floor & picked up some toys. I just sat down to plug in my phone & realized I never grabbed the charger.
Close your eyes. Picture a world without hunger. Open your eyes. I ate your sandwich.
[airport check-in]
Me: I’d like to check this in
Clerk: you’ll have to take that on with u
Me [sighing & picking baby up off counter]: fine
Parents: “If only there were a manual for this.”
Also parents: “How dare you tell me how to raise my kids, you piece of shit.”
I parallel parked perfectly in front of my boys and now they think I’m possessed.
Parenthood is basically just pretending to be angry when you aren’t and pretending not to be angry when you are.
One thing I’m really good at is turning $1500 into $4.72
ah, yes. the elusive llamarshmallow.
“What sins have you committed?”
Well…
[20 minutes later]
… finally fit my whole fist up there. I shit you not. Father?
*vomiting sound*
Cat: LET ME OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW LET ME OUT RIGHT NOW!
Me: *Staggers out of bed. Opens door*
Cat: *lies down on doormat*: You are dismissed.
The Pope quit. Meteor in Russia. Snowing in Arizona. Star Wars and Star Trek have the same director. Who the hell is playing Jumanji?
Unsolved Mysteries: We don’t know what happened, and now neither do you.
Having a pool is so neat. All of your friends are suddenly interested to catch up on the hottest days of the year.
You can’t even be mad at the dog for this. You just have to be impressed.
[restaurant]
RACCOON (in trench coat): one egg
WAITER: one egg? *suspicious* you’re not from around here, are you?
RACCOON: t-two eggs?
WAITER: ah yes, that’s a normal quantity of eggs
RACCOON: *excitedly* five eggs!
WAITER: *eyes narrow*
Not to be rude but I think some of you think your dog is your best friend and your dog thinks you’re top 5 at most
snowmen are one of the cutest things about humanity tbh. like oh it snowed? why don’t we make a little guy about it
*Becomes a black hole*
*Only absorbs corndogs*
[First day at Amazon]
me: *throws a single toothbrush into a tv-sized box*
manager: wow this guy’s a natural lol
(child accidentally being born in butcher shop)
Shirtless mother: what should we name him?
Father: um..*looks around room* a..bra…ham
Daytime tornado warning: grab phone, radio, & flashlights, get to shelter immediately
Nighttime tornado warning: if I wake up in Oz, so be it
What if during Halloween people said “creepy crawlidays”
They say that blondes are dumb, but I’ve gotten a brunette to marry me too.
Meth is short for Elizameth.
manipulative people really be like oh so now i’m the bad guy for being the bad guy